Living Through the Ghost
by silverdragon917
Summary: Kanda and Allen have a solid relationship, but what happens when one dies on a mission but returns as a ghost? How will their love survive, and what lengths will they be willing to go to stay together? Yullen & Character Death
1. Chapter 1 Tears and Sorrow

**A/N: So with the conclusion of my other story, I bring you a new one! I hope you all enjoy this story like you enjoyed my other one.**

**Please read and enjoy. And don't forget to review.**

**silverdragon**

**Disclaimer: This is the only time I'm going to say this for this story… I don't own D. Gray Man or any of the characters.**

Chapter 1 Tears and Sorrow

~Allen~

Allen was sitting in his room, waiting for Kanda to come back from his mission so he could surprise the stoic Japanese teen. He'd been sitting there for over an hour, playing with Tim while wondering just what was taking his lover so long to return. There were very few things that could keep Kanda away for this long, and even though the mission was supposed to last for almost three weeks, Kanda usually finished it in two, and then rushed home so he could see Allen once again. The white haired boy smiled at the thought, they'd only been going out for a few months, and yet they couldn't manage to stay apart without worrying about the other. Then again, with their line of work one never knew what each day would hold.

He heard a knock at his door, thinking it was Kanda finally returned from his mission, he plastered a huge, genuine smile on his face. When he opened the door to find a crying Lenalee, the smile fell while he tried to comfort the girl.

"What happened?" Allen gave the crying girl a huge hug, trying to keep her standing while he brought her into his room. He sat her down on his bed and patiently waited for a response, not wanting to rush the girl.

"I-I-I-t's K-K-Kanda, he-e-e's dead," Lenalee was crying into his shoulder, and felt him stiffen at the words, "I'm so sorry Allen."

This could not be happening, Kanda couldn't be dead. He'd promised to come back, to always come back. Allen felt himself fall to the ground, tears forming in his eyes while he tried to process the information. Kanda was strong, stronger than anyone at the Order, so how had he been defeated? What had gone wrong?

Allen looked up at Lenalee as she hugged him, his voice cracking as he asked, "How? How did it happen?"

Lenalee took a breath, trying to stop herself from crying long enough to explain, "His golem showed us everything. He was on assignment in Germany, but you already know that. While he was in the town searching for Innocence he was attacked by a large group of level two Akuma. When he finished those off there were a few level threes waiting for him. He was too tired to put up much of a fight, but he managed to kill them all. That's when Tyki showed up. Kanda's wounds weren't healing like they were supposed to, and Kanda was exhausted, he could barely manage to stand up. Tyki threw Kanda into a wall, then went over and whispered something into his ear. Then he took Mugen and stabbed Kanda in the heart. By the time the finder that was sent with him caught up, Tyki was gone, and Kanda was too far gone to do anything."

Allen felt the tears fall, running down his face and into his lap. _'Why Kanda? Why? How could you leave me like this?'_

"The last thing he said was your name," Lenalee whispered it just loud enough for Allen to catch.

"Where's his body? I want to see him," Allen said standing up on shaking legs and walking into the hallway.

"Allen, trust me you don't want to see, it's horrible," the girl broke into hysterical sobs again, but the white haired boy didn't want to hear it. Anger quickly overpowered grief as he pushed Lenalee up into the wall.

"Where is he?" Allen growled out, sounding nothing like himself.

The girl in front of him looked scared, but managed to stutter out, "In-in-infirmary."

Allen let her go and marched off in the direction of the infirmary. When he got there he found a large group of people around a bed, all of their eyes were red and puffy because of crying. The figure in the bed was covered by a white sheet, but Allen could tell by the dark blue hair that fell past the sheet that it was Kanda. He rushed forward, pushing past the crying people until he reached the bed side. A shaking hand reached for the top of the sheet, wanted to see Kanda's face once more. Another hand stopped him, and when the boy looked up he saw it belonged to Lavi. The red head's one visible eye was filled with tears as he shook his head.

Allen didn't care, he needed to see his lovers face again no matter how bad it was. He smacked Lavi's hand away and pulled the sheet back before anyone else could stop him. What he saw stopped his heart for a few beats.

Kanda's face was just how he remembered it, beautiful and angular with a hint of the iciness that the Exorcist usually displayed. There were a few scratches and cuts that marred his face, but they were nothing compared to the deep gashes that covered his chest and abdomen.

Allen could now understand how his lover was cut down, even with the healing abilities Kanda had, the gashes were just too deep to heal fast enough. He looked back at the Japanese man's face, wondering how he could look so peaceful in death, when he's always been so angry in life. It almost looked like he was sleeping, and that any moment he would wake up and hug Allen, telling the white haired boy that everything was fine.

His black arm reached up to cup Kanda's face, felling the cold, lifeless skin beneath his fingertips. He'd stopped wearing gloves around the Order, feeling safe enough to display his deformity among friends. That was mostly Kanda's doing, the older man had always told Allen he was beautiful, that his arm did nothing to differ that beauty, and if anything it added to Allen's uniqueness. As he touched his lover's face he silently wished that the blue haired man would turn his head and kiss the deformed palm, like he'd done so many times before. It was at that thought that Allen finally let the tears fall.

It had been so surreal until that moment, almost as if someone was going to tell him it had all been a joke. The truth of the situation was finally hitting him, and it was hitting hard. Kanda wasn't coming back this time, and there was nothing he could do about it. Allen collapsed into sobs, clutching the dead exorcist's body to his own, knowing that if he let go, that would be the end, and Kanda would be gone for good.

They let him cry, no one wanted to disturb the poor boy who had just lost his lover. Sure their relationship was supposed to be a secret, so naturally everyone at the Order had known. They had pity in their eyes as they looked at the sobbing boy, he was too young to have to go through something like this.

Komui put a hand on the boy's shoulder, which he shrugged off as he continued to cry. Allen looked up quickly, a thought coming to his grief stricken mind all of a sudden. He looked around the room before turning to Komui.

"Where's Mugen?" Allen asked, wondering why the katana wasn't somewhere near its owner.

"Well Allen, seeing as Mugen is made of Innocence it's been put into special room until we can revert it to its original form, and a new Accommodator can be found," Komui explained calmly.

"It should be with him," Allen said in a dangerously angry whisper, "I don't care if it's made of Innocence, it's his sword, so it should stay with him, at least until the funeral."

There was a moment of silence while everyone waited for Komui's reaction. The man heaved a heavy sigh, "I guess that can be arranged. We have to wait a few more hours to revert it, and even then we aren't likely to find a new Accommodator so soon after Kanda's death, so he can hold onto it a little longer. Johnny can you go get Mugen and bring it up here?"

The scientist nodded his head and walked out the door, heading to the room where Mugen was being stored. Allen heaved a sigh of relief, some of the tension leaving his body when his request was granted. It was what Kanda would have wanted, to have his precious katana with him until the very end, even if it was the weapon that had ended his life. Allen smiled sadly, glad he could do at least this for his lover.

Allen wiped his tears away with his sleeve, trying to stay strong for those around him. He knew he couldn't let his grief overtake him, there was always the possibility that the Earl would come and offer to bring Kanda back, which Allen knew would rip him apart. He looked at his lover's face again, memorizing the plains and beauty he'd come to admire and love. If only he'd been there to help, to fight alongside his other half against Tyki, but the he hadn't been able to. Injuries that he'd retained on the mission before had kept him tethered to headquarters while his lover died. Allen absentmindedly grabbed his abdomen, where a still red scar lay hidden under his shirt.

A few finally tears escaped his eyes as the door opened to admit a sobbing Lenalee and Johnny, carrying Mugen in its sheath. Lenalee ran into Lavi's arms, crying into his shoulder as he gently stroked her hair. It was so similar to what Kanda had done for Allen when he would lose control and his mask would start to crack and fall away. Very few people had seen past Allen's mask, and even then they hadn't been persistent enough to dig much past the initial layer. Kanda had been a different case, he'd seen through the guise almost immediately, and had spent months gently prying away the carefully built walls.

Allen could feel himself start to tear up again as he picked Mugen up from Johnny's hands, placing it next to the stoic samurai that was lying motionless on the bed. He just stood there staring for a moment, not wanting to say any of the millions of things on his mind while everyone was still in the room. He was too polite to ask for everyone to leave, but thankfully Lavi seemed to pick up on his thoughts, looking at the white haired boy before beginning to usher people out of the room.

"I think we should leave Allen alone for a moment, he's been through a lot," Lavi closed the door behind everyone, offering on last sad smile to Allen as he did so. When the door finally clicked shut Allen just stood there for a few moments, staring at the peaceful face before him.

"Why? Why Kanda?" he whispered into the empty room as sobs began to build in his chest again. He walked to stand in front of the corpse again, his hand ghosting over the cold body, trying to commit every contour to memory. When he got to the Japanese man's face he cupped it with both hands, bringing his lips down to kiss the lifeless body.

"How could you leave me alone? You promised you jerk, so why'd you have to go and die?" he breath wisped over the cold face, and warm wet tears fell, slowly coating the lifeless cheeks of his lover.

Allen kissed the lips once more before standing up, a small, watery smile gracing his features as he said the words that would hopefully lessen the pain.

"Goodbye Kanda. Goodbye for good."

**A/N: So the start of another story of mine. I would like to thank you for reading, and for those who have read When You Came I would like to thank you all for your continued support.**

**I love my readers and I hope that you all review on this, the first chapter of many.**


	2. Chapter 2 Invisible

**A/N: Second chapter to the new story, YAY! Thank you all for the reviews and support. I love you guys.**

**Now on with the story, here's the next chapter please read and enjoy.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 2 Invisible

~Kanda~

When he woke up all he could see was black. It was a kind of pitch darkness that didn't even allow for one to see a hand right in front of his face. The lack of any kind of light scared Kanda a little bit, he'd never been without one of his senses before, and he found the experience disorienting. He tried to move around, but his body wouldn't respond to his commands, and he became increasingly frustrated with the lack of movement. The only thing he could do was think about what happened before he ended up in this pitiful state.

All he really remembered was a hoard of Akuma coming at him, a small army of level twos that had managed to sneak up on him and catch him unawares. It was mostly a blur after that, but he did remember a sharp pain in his chest, as though something cold and metallic had impaled him in the heart.

He also remembered words begin whispered into his ear, just faint enough for only him to hear, "Allen is mine. He's too good for you anyway. Goodbye Exorcist, have a happy trip to the afterlife."

Kanda felt icy water flow through his veins as he replayed the words in his head. Trying to match the words with images and feelings Kanda finally realized what was wrong. He had been stabbed, and by the look of things he was probably dead, but how could that be? He thought about it some more, and the full picture finally came into focus in his mind.

He remembered the hoard of level twos that he had finished off, the few level threes that had caught him before anything had a chance to heal, and the gashes his body had received at the hands of those level threes. Then there was Tyki, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and throwing him against a wall. A sudden sensation of lightheadedness because of the impact and loss of blood while he tried to force his body to move. The words, whispered by Tyki as Mugen was pried from his grasp, the Innocence deactivating as soon as the sword left his grasp. The terrible feeling of his own sword running through his body, cutting through his heart as it beat wildly trying to keep its owner alive for a few more minutes. The feeling of falling, through a tunnel with a small pinprick of light at the end, and finally the heart wrenching guilt, because he hadn't been able to keep his promise to the boy he loved.

Then the darkness, the same darkness that enveloped him now as he lie there, unable to move at all. He didn't know how long he's spent in this pitiful state, but to him it felt like forever. As such he was confused when he started to hear faint voices, but it was something new to focus on so he tried to catch as many words as possible.

"….dead….. Mugen… Innocence…. Tell… Allen?" The words were a jumbled mess, but he managed to make out a little of their meaning. What he got from them was that he was indeed dead, and that they were worried about telling Allen. If Kanda was actually dead, then why was he here? Wasn't he supposed to go on to the afterlife or something? Why was he floating around in this damn darkness?

The questions kept building, which only proved to frustrate the man further, so he turned his attention back to the voices, trying to pick up more information.

"….. special room… basic Innocence… new Accommodator…" Once again the words were disjointed, but they did make some sense. They were talking about Mugen, breaking it down into the base Innocence and finding a new Accommodator. That process would take at least a few hours, maybe even days, and it's not like they could bring Kanda back a third time to resynchronize with the sword.

Kanda tried to blink, closing his eyes took a lot of energy, far more then he thought, but he managed to do it. As he slowly opened his eyes again he saw a brilliant white light, blinding him after so long in the darkness. He couldn't make anything else out, but now the voices were much clearer, and Kanda could even make out who was talking. It was Komui who was talking about when they would be able to convert Mugen and try to find a new Accommodator, and Lavi who was asking about who would tell Allen.

Allen, the name rang in his head as he tried to get the room to focus. His Moyashi, the one reason he'd kept on living after everything that had happened to him. The person he'd promised to never leave. How would the younger boy react to his death? This was not the first time the boy had lost someone he cared about, but honestly the white haired boy was fragile enough already. Kanda cursed himself for being stupid enough to get himself killed, and for leaving Allen all alone again.

Wait, if he was hearing these conversations, then how was he dead exactly? Just what had happened to him? The answer wasn't apparent at the moment, but Kanda had a feeling it would all play out if he was just patient.

The whiteness that surrounded him slowly faded back to the black, and when he tried to push back the darkness it felt as though he was pushing a giant boulder uphill. Eventually he ran out of strength and gave up, letting the darkness take over once again, all the while hating himself for being so weak.

He drifted into a state of half sleep, where he was still semi-conscious of what was going on around him, but could do nothing to influence it. He felt himself being pulled from the darkness at the sound of a voice. Not just any voice, but the voice of Allen, his lover and honestly best friend. When he opened his eyes he saw everything with startling clarity. The pale face of the one he loved displayed before him, along with the faces of some of his few friends at the Order.

What was going on? He thought he was dead, but was he being given a second chance? Kanda walked over to where the younger boy was standing, not noticing the other boys gaze until he tried to hug the white haired teen. His hands and arms slipped right through the boy's body, almost as if it wasn't there. He pulled away puzzled, his gaze finally following that of the younger teen.

That's when he saw his body, cut up and broken from his battle against the Akuma and Tyki. No wonder he had managed to die, all of the cuts were deep and very gruesome, especially the one in his chest. He noticed as Allen placed Mugen on the bed next to his lifeless body, wondering how his own weapon had been used against him. He gently brushed against Allen's hand as he touched the sword, his hand flying through the white haired boys and coming to rest on the very solid Mugen.

How was that even possible? His hand had passed through Allen's without a problem, but when he touched Mugen it was as solid as ever in his hand. When he went to pick the katana up, it wouldn't budge though, staying stubbornly on the bed. Kanda's brow furrowed in frustration, this was not making any sense to him, so he decided to clear his thoughts with some meditation.

He went into a secluded corner of the room and sat down, not really feeling the floor beneath him, but knowing he was on stable enough ground to let the thought go. As he meditated he sorted through the facts that he did know, although not at a very fast pace, he'd always been a little on the slower side when it came to these types of things.

The first thing he knew was that he was dead, undeniably, irrefutably, dead. Then next thing he knew was that he wasn't in the afterlife, this was nothing like what the Church had promised to servants of God. Third, he knew that he was strangely intangible when it came to touching living objects, such as Allen, although he seemed to be able to touch Mugen just fine. Fourth, he seemed to be able to go through more or less solid objects if he only put some thought into it. There could be only one explanation for all of these facts, and that was that he'd turned into a ghost.

No matter how much he didn't want to believe it that was the only answer that made any type of sense. Although, the only cases of 'ghosts' that he'd ever encountered or heard about had to do with either an Innocence piece, or with an Akuma. So which was he? Surely Allen hadn't turned him into an Akuma already, the boy may have been naïve but he wasn't stupid, and besides, Kanda didn't feel the need to kill Allen, so that option was out. Which only left the Innocence angle. He hadn't managed to find the piece he'd been sent to retrieve, so what Innocence was causing this?

His eyes shot open as he stared at Mugen. There was no way that Mugen was causing this, was there? Kanda stood back up and walked over to the katana, stroking its sheath with a hand. It began to glow faintly, and Kanda was hit by a slight shock of recognition, almost as if the sword was trying to tell him something.

His thoughts were broken when he heard sobbing coming from the other side of the bed and looking over he finally noticed that the Moyashi was the only one still in the room. He wanted to rush over and comfort the boy, like he'd done on so many nights when his lover had woken up from the many nightmares that plagued him. However when he tried, his hands slipped right through the boy's body again, leaving him helpless to stop the boy's crying.

Kanda felt his heart twist painfully in his chest. What kind of cruel torture was this? To watch his beloved weeping over his corpse while he watched, unable to do anything for the one he held most dear. Kanda listened as Allen started to speak, wondering just what the boy would have to say to a corpse.

"Why? Why Kanda?" The boy broke into sobs again once the questions were asked, and Kanda felt the need to go and sooth the young man. If only there was some way to let Allen know that he wasn't completely gone. If only he had the strength to appear before the crying figure, and comfort the boy in his time of need. As it was all Kanda could do was watch as Allen ghosted his hands over the lifeless body, his lifeless body.

Kanda felt tears come to his eyes as the boy kissed the cold, dead lips on his broken body, wishing for all the world that he could force himself to come back, if only to feel those lips again. When the white haired boy was done, Kanda watched as he pulled away only slightly, to ask another question.

"How could you leave me alone? You promised you jerk, so why did you have to go and die?" The words stung, because they weren't entirely true. Kanda hadn't meant to die on that mission, it wasn't his fault that Tyki had shown up, or that Tyki seemed to be obsessed with Allen. It was a matter of circumstance that had brought them to this road, and there wasn't anything anyone could've done to stop the events from happening. The other part of the statement wasn't true either, Kanda hadn't left him alone, he was stuck here as a ghost for heaven's sake, seemingly for the reason that he couldn't manage to leave Allen all by himself.

When Allen kissed the corpses lips again Kanda tried to reach out to him once more, only to phase through the warm body of his lover. Now he was getting really frustrated, it was one thing to be able to see the boy, but Kanda desperately wanted to touch the warm skin of his very much alive other half.

Allen started to leave saying words that Kanda never wanted to hear again, "Goodbye Kanda. Goodbye for good." With a new found kind of rage Kanda reached out, desperately trying to make himself tangible enough to grab the other boys hand, but guessing that it wouldn't work, again.

He was surprised when his hand made contact with a very solid, warm wrist, grabbing it and pulling the boy it was attached to back into the room. Allen looked slightly puzzled at the force, because apparently he still couldn't see Kanda, but in that moment Kanda lost his concentration, and the rage slowly ebbed, causing his hand to slip through the boy's wrist and disappear completely.

Allen walked to the door again, this time a little faster, and Kanda tried to stop him from leaving again, but a sudden fatigue settled over him, and he was pulled into the blackness once more.

**A/N: There you have it the next chapter. Thank you all for reading and I'd like to send a special shout out to my reviewers for last chapter…**

_**Nonumaru**_

_** MikiYuri**_

_** Nix**_

_** Origami Lotus**_

_** Goshikku Hime wa Yami-san**_

_** shadowkiller8888**_

**Thank you all for reviewing and reading this story.**

**On another note I'd really like to have a pretty title picture for this story, so if any of you dear readers have or know of any pictures that would fit with this story could you please PM me with a link? Pretty please?**


	3. Chapter 3 Nightmares and Last Wishes

**A/N: So this is the next chapter, and it's crazy long, which is why it took so long to come out.**

**Please read, enjoy and review.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 3 Nightmares and Last Wishes

~Allen~

As he started to walk out of the room he felt a slight pressure on his wrist, pulling him back ever so gently. He felt his heart soar slightly until he turned around and saw that Kanda was still lying on the table, dead. He looked at his wrist for a moment and saw a transparent hand gripping his wrist just before he felt the pressure vanish, wondering what had just happened. He shrugged it off as lingering sorrow, and walked out of the room to come face to face with a certain red head.

"Hey Allen, how are you holding up?" Lavi asked kindly, none of tears from earlier present in his face.

"Fine I guess. I just can't believe he's gone," Allen looked at the floor, feeling the tears threating to fall once again. He managed to hold them back though, crying wouldn't bring Kanda back. So there was no point in balling his eyes out, no matter how much he wanted to.

"Neither can I," Lavi sighed, "But I guess it was just his time to go."

Allen felt a little hurt by the words, it almost sounded as if the red head didn't care at all that Kanda had just died. Lavi was being so insensitive, and to Allen's grief stricken mind it was almost like a physical blow. Of course the white haired boys thoughts where frazzled, and he couldn't seem to remember that Lavi was a Bookman, and Bookmen weren't supposed to grow attachments, or show emotion. As such Allen managed to overreact to Lavi's words.

"How could you say that? Kanda was your friend, and you just act like he was no one to you. You're a horrible person, just go away." Allen lashed out before running in the direction of his room.

"Allen, wait I didn't mean it that way," Lavi's shouts could be heard through the hallway, directed at Allen's retreating back, but the boy chose not to listen.

When he finally made it back to his room he closed and locked the door before sinking onto the bed. Burying his face in a pillow he started to cry his eyes out, drenching the pillow case in tears. Timcampy came over to try and comfort him, but Allen just knocked him away, not wanting to be touched by anyone other than his lost lover. When the tears had run out Allen curled into a ball, his body shaking as dry sobs wracked his body.

He eventually fell asleep, his body too tired to do anything at all. This sleep brought with it dreams of Kanda.

_Kanda was sitting on a bench in a beautiful garden, long ebony tresses fanning out across his back while he looked at the stars. Allen raced over to where his lover sat, a smile gracing his features as he sat down on the bench, looking at the graceful form of the man next to him. The older man's face looked so peaceful, so angelic, that all Allen could manage to do was stare._

_When Kanda's gaze finally left the stars he looked down at the younger boy, a slight smirk forming when he noticed the boy's staring. Allen sat there mesmerized by his lover, looking very much alive and beautiful as ever. When the Japanese man reached up a hand to stroke Allen's face, the younger boy leaned into the touch, wanting to feel the familiar warmth of Kanda's hand._

_Allen quickly pulled back when he felt how cold Kanda's hand was, and looked into the cobalt eyes he loved with confusion. What he saw tore at his heart, the usually cold and piercing gaze of his lover had clouded over, leaving nothing but emptiness behind. The white haired boy looked at Kanda's face to see faint scratches adoring the usually flawless skin. Those scratches slowly morphed into deep, angry, red gashes, ripping the face of his lover into pieces and leaving only the skull behind._

_The young boy screamed, not knowing what else to do, until blackness overtook him._

Allen woke up in a cold sweat, sitting straight up in his bed and reaching for the figure that should've been in bed next to him. That is when he remembered, there wasn't going to be a body next to his, because Kanda was dead and wouldn't be coming back. Once again the thought hurt his heart, and he curled into himself until sleep overcame him again, bringing new and even more terrifying nightmares.

_Allen felt himself falling, slowly sinking into an abyss of darkness. He couldn't see anything, but for some reason he wasn't scared. There was a calming quality to the darkness, and Allen found himself breathing in and out slowly, letting go some of the tension that had been plaguing him sense learning of Kanda's death._

_When he felt cold arms wrap around his torso he didn't even flinch. For some odd reason he felt safe in those arms, and even though they weren't warm they managed to calm the frazzled nerves of the white haired teen._

_He moved his head back, nuzzling into the neck of the person behind him. Taking in a deep lungful of the person's scent he froze for a moment. He recognized the smell, a sweet mixture of flowers and spice that was distinct to only one person. He turned around in the persons arms, trying to see a face in the blackness._

_When he realized that he couldn't see anything, Allen reached out a hand and tried to touch the face of the person holding him, but his hand didn't meet any kind of flesh. Instead his fingertips met with cold bone, and he quickly jerked away._

_It was then that a brilliant flash of light illuminated the scene in front of the young man, adding to the horror of the nightmare. Instead of the face of his lover all he could see was a rotting skull, and the arms that he'd felt so safe in, were nothing but bone._

_Allen could feel himself running away, but he felt hands grab his wrists, pinning them above his head. He couldn't manage to break free, so he started screaming at the top of his lungs._

He woke up again, only this time it was because Lenalee was holding his hands in a death grip and trying to shake him awake.

"Allen, wake up! It's okay, it's just a dream," the girl said, trying to calm Allen down before he hurt himself.

He stopped moving, proving to the girl that he was awake and that she could let him go. When she did he sat up slowly, trying to keep himself together after such a terrible nightmare. He shook his head a few times, attempting to rid himself of the image of Kanda as a skeleton, but he failed miserably. Looking up, he saw that Lenalee was still there, a look of concerned covering her face. In an attempt to prove he was fine he tried to form one of his usual smiles, but couldn't make his mouth move into the familiar shape.

He looked at the floor, not wanting to make eye contact with the girl while he was so vulnerable. They sat there for a moment, neither one of them wanting to break the silence.

When it was apparent that Allen wasn't going to talk, Lenalee stood up and made her way to the door, "I know that you probably don't want to talk right now, but know that when you do, I'm here for you."

Allen heard the door close and put his head in his hands, wondering how he was going to survive if this was only the beginning. He stood up and walked over to the mirror in the corner of his room, taking in his gaunt appearance, and the bags under his eyes. He looked absolutely terrible, and that was only after one night without Kanda by his side. He got dressed and walked out of his room, no matter how depressed he was he still needed to eat.

As he made his way down the hallway no one stopped him to talk like they usually did, but everyone seemed to look at him with pity in their eyes. He shuffled into the cafeteria and went over to the counter, behind which Jerry was furiously cooking. When he noticed Allen the cook stopped what he was doing and raced over to where Allen was standing, giving the small teen a huge hug from across the counter.

"Oh Allen, honey, I'm so sorry to hear about you're loss," Jerry was squeezing him so tightly that it hurt to draw breath, but Allen just stood there. He couldn't figure out how to react. Should he push the man off him and run away crying, or should he hug back, letting the person feel as if they were actually helping, when they were doing nothing of the sort.

Allen opted for the second option, hugging Jerry back ever so slightly before pulling away and saying, "I'm fine Jerry, please don't worry. Can I please have some eggs and bacon for breakfast, but a normal size portion today, I don't feel much like eating."

Jerry looked a little skeptical at the request, but when Allen managed to shoot him a smile the cook seemed to relax a bit. Allen stood there waiting for his order when Komui walked up to him, holding an official looking document in his hands.

"Hi Allen, I know that with everything that happened yesterday you're probably feeling terrible, but there are some things we need to talk about in reference to Kanda's last wishes," the head of the Order bowed his head a little, as if waiting for Allen to burst into tears. When the white haired teen didn't Komui looked up, seemingly surprised at Allen's lack of reaction.

"What do we need to discuss?" Allen asked as he picked up his tray of food and walked over to an empty table.

"It can wait until you're done eating," Komui looked a tiny bit flustered by Allen's calm words, but managed to continue, "Meet me in my office when you're done, I'll be reading Kanda's will when you arrive."

Allen nodded his head as the purple haired man left, starting to eat slowly. While trying to eat Allen mused at how strange he was acting now that Kanda was gone. When he'd usually eat multiple plates of food, today he only had the appetite for one. Then there was how slow he was eating, normally he'd be eating at the speed of light, consuming food left and right, but now he was actually eating at a relatively human pace.

When he was done he took his tray to the counter to be cleaned, and even though he was full of food he still felt strangely empty, almost hollow. He tried to ignore it as he made his way to Komui's office, wondering just what was in store for him.

When he walked in he noticed that only a few people were there, namely Lenalee, Lavi, Komui, Marie, and Tiedoll. They were all either standing or sitting around Komui's cluttered desk, watching as Komui brought out the same document he'd been holding when he ran into Allen in the cafeteria. It took a moment for Allen to see the items in a small pile behind the desk. On top of the pile, in actuality it was more speared into the pile, was Mugen.

"Great now that we're all here, I can't start reading Kanda's last will and testament," Komui pushed his glasses up on his nose and started reading,

"I Yuu Kanda, at the time of my death, bequeath a majority of my possessions to my friends and family as follow. To General Tiedoll I give my Exorcist coat, it was with your guidance that I was able to reach such excellence as an Exorcist…" Komui paused a moment to located said coat and hand it over to Tiedoll.

"_He always did say that I looked good in that coat,"_ A voice seemed to whisper inside Allen's head. It was definitely Kanda's voice, but when Allen looked around no one else seemed to have heard it. He shook it off as his mind playing tricks on him and continued listening.

"…. To Marie I give my golem, because you never know when contacting someone might come in handy…" Komui found the item and gave it to Marie.

"_Marie always wanted my golem, said it was more compact then his," _Kanda's voice said again. Allen was starting to get a little worried. Was he going insane? Where was this voice coming from?

"… To Lavi I give my sword case, you may not need it, but it makes a great decoration…" Komui pulled a decorative case from the pile and handed it over to Lavi.

"_That damn Usagi kept commenting on how pretty it looked, and how much he wanted to add it to his damn collection." _Allen looked around again, trying to find the source of the voice, because he knew it wasn't coming from inside his head. So where did it originate from?

"… To Lenalee I give my lotus flower hourglass, even though the flower is gone now, you were one of the few who understood its significance to me…" Komui placed the large glass structure on the table, not wanting to break it.

"_She was one of the few people I told, along with you and the rabbit,"_ Kanda's voice seemed to be coming from the corner of the room, but Allen couldn't tell much more than that.

"… To Allen, I give my most prized possession, Mugen, in the hopes that he remember me always, and perhaps find its new Accommodator…" Komui reached behind him and grabbed Mugen from the floor, walking over to where Allen was propped up against the wall.

_He left me Mugen? How is that even possible? I can't carry around an Innocence that isn't mine can I? I'm not a general, so why would anyone agree to this?_ The thoughts were cut off by Kanda's voice, coming from the corner of the room once again.

The words Kanda spoke were so heartfelt they almost didn't sound like the stoic Japanese man that everyone knew, but Allen could tell that this was just how Kanda talked when he didn't care who was around. It was an openness that was reserved for Allen, something that no one else had ever seen or heard. It was by the words that Allen could tell that it was really Kanda talking, not just his imagination playing tricks on him. There were tears in his eyes as he looked at the spot where Kanda's voice was emanating from, seeing nothing but an empty corner.

If Kanda was still around, why didn't he show himself? Allen looked at the sword in his hands, hugging it while the tears streamed down his face.

"Kanda," he whispered into the room. He was brought out of his reprieve by a cough from Komui, asking if they could proceed.

"Allen, I have to tell you that there was quite a bit of debate about how we should've handled this request, but in the end we decided that it would be best if you held onto Kanda's Innocence until the time when its new Accommodator can be found. Mugen will be placed in your care, and you are to take it with you on all of your missions in the hope that you will find the swords new master. Mugen will not be broken down into basic Innocence, because we have a strong feeling that it would just manifest into a sword again. With that in mind you need to take good care of this katana, and make sure that none of the Earl's forces get the Innocence. If you were to lose it, my head would be on the chopping block because I was the one that suggested this course of action from the beginning. Do you understand your duties, and are you willing to except them?"

Allen just nodded his head, hugging the sword to his body, not really sure what he was supposed to do with it.

"That finishes up reading Kanda's will, but I would ask that Tiedoll and Allen stay so we can make preparations for the funeral," Komui ushered Marie, Lavi, and Lenalee out of the room before shutting the door again.

"Does it say nothing in the will of how my son would like to be buried?" Tiedoll asked, folding the coat in his hands and placing it on a now empty chair.

"It didn't really go into any specifics, only stating that he wanted to be cremated. Therefore, you two must make the decisions about the service, and how the body should be cremated. General, because he was your charge, and you're the closest thing to a father Kanda had, and Allen because it actually states in the will that you should have a say in this, and I'm pretty sure we all know why," Komui looked down the bridge of his nose at Allen, causing the teen to blush under the intense stare.

Allen started stammering, trying to justify being in Kanda's will at all when a hand from Tiedoll stopped him.

"We all know about your involvement with Kanda, and I honestly don't care, as long as you were happy together. I'm happy you're here to help with this considering you may have known him better than I do, which is saying something. He loved you, you know. I've never seen Yuu so happy as when he was with you. You've seen behind his mask, and I envy you that. So can you stop being embarrassed about something that no one's judging you for, and help make sure that everyone remembers Yuu the way he deserves to be remembered." Tiedoll's smile was genuine and Allen felt himself relax a little bit. He didn't have to worry about what he said in front of these people at least.

"Well, Kanda always loved flowers, even with his ties to that stupid lotus. He also really liked music. I remember playing piano for him, he'd always fall asleep on me while I played." A small smile played on Allen's lips before it fell, "That's all I can really tell you that you don't already know, so I'll be going if that's okay."

Allen needed to get away, just remembering Kanda was causing his heart to ache uncontrollably. He needed to get to his room so he could cry his heart out again. Hearing Kanda's voice today had really thrown him, and he needed some time to sort through his emotions before he could really talk to anyone.

"Okay, thank you Allen, we'll see you later." Komui's voice was gentle, and he let Allen leave without any fuss.

Once in the hallway Allen took in a deep breath and let it out. He'd promised himself he wouldn't cry in front of people but in order to keep that promise he would have to get to his room quickly. So he raced in that direction, closing and locking his door when he finally got there.

He fell against the door, sliding down the wood until he was on the floor. He put his head in his hands, letting the sobs take over his body.

"Why me? Why do I have to live with this? Kanda please come back to me, please?" Allen could tell that his voice broke a couple times, but he didn't really care. There was no one there to hear his desperate pleas. His head fell against his chest as he gave up in defeat, it really was hopeless.

He got up and put Mugen against the wall, barely registering that it was in the same place as Kanda would've put it, before walking out the door to get some food. He wasn't hungry, but it gave him something to do.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

His trip to the cafeteria was uneventful, but it brought back so many memories of Kanda that Allen felt like he was suffocating. So many people had come up to him and said they were sorry for what had happened, but Allen could tell they were saying it more for his benefit. No one had really like Kanda besides himself, and Kanda's handful of 'friends'. It was a sad fact, but true nonetheless.

Allen was feeling very depressed as he walked back into his room, his eyes immediately coming to rest on the sword laying against the wall. What would happen if he started again? He hadn't done it in a while, there had been no need to with Kanda around, but now Allen couldn't seem to handle his emotions. It had always been a release, so why couldn't he use it as a tool once again.

He grabbed the sword and sat on the bed unsheathing the blade as he went. It was much larger than the knives he usually used, but it was more symbolic this way. He started rolling up his sleeve, noticing the thin pale scars that covered his wrists. No one had ever really noticed them, because of his fair complexion, and the fact that he always wore long sleeves because of his Innocence arm. Kanda had been the only one to ever really notice, and as soon as he'd known Allen was cutting he was sure to put a stop to it.

Allen smiled to himself a little, if only Kanda could see him now, resorting to hurting himself to make the pain go away. As he brought the blade to his wrist he felt a pressure on the hilt, ripping it from his grasp and throwing it into a wall.

Kanda's voice came from right in front of him, angry and almost a little sad. In his shock Allen couldn't really process the words, but he could tell that Kanda was scolding him for trying to hurt himself again. Allen just let the anger roll off him, the way he used to do when the Japanese man had blown up at him before. It was almost comforting, the way that Kanda seemed to be protecting him even from across the grave.

When Kanda was finished, Allen was left speechless for a few moments, not really sure how to respond to something that could get him labeled as crazy. His thoughts were in a jumble, so he started going through his nightly routine, hoping that by doing something normal his world wouldn't come crashing down on him. As he dressed he felt a pair of eyes on him, but when he looked around the room there was nothing there. The feeling was strange and almost tingly, but he shrugged it off, it was no good getting antsy with all the things he'd seen and heard in the past twenty-four hours.

When he was finally done, he walked over to the bed, placing Mugen in the space that Kanda's body would usually occupy. As his arm reached over the bed, he was hit by an unexplainable wave of cold, and he shivered with the force of it. This wasn't normal, but then again neither was anything else.

As he sat down on the bed, he curled his body into a ball and finally said the things that were on his mind, "I don't know if you can hear me, but thank you Kanda, for stopping me tonight. I'm not sure what would've happened, but thank you for caring."

He felt a little stupid for talking to an empty room, but his heart felt a little less heavy now that the words were out. He could feel moisture on his cheeks and knew that he must have started to cry while delivering his confession. He rubbed the tears away and lay down in bed, letting his back face the wall and the sword that was his new responsibility.

As he drifted off to sleep he felt a cold wind brush against his skin, lightly tracing patterns in a way similar to what Kanda had done. The breeze ruffled his hair, and brought with it a faint humming sound, which eventually turned into a song. It was a song he recognized as one of his own compositions, and with that music in the background he began to fall asleep.

He heard a faint whisper just as he was slipping into the land of dreams, or nightmares, and heard himself respond almost silently.

"I love you too BaKanda."

**A/N: I hope you liked this next chapter. I have to say, I'm having a lot of fun with this story already. Please review, it would make me happy and might even motivate me more to get the next chapter out. Thank you for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4 Being Heard

**A/N: So this is the next chapter, infinitely shorter than the previous one, which was kind of an anomaly.**

**Please read, review and enjoy.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 4 Being Heard

~Kanda~

The darkness that had enveloped him seemed a little less depressing now that he understood where he was. He could easily except the fact that he was dead, he had been there when it happened so there really was no trying to deny it. What he really couldn't figure out what why he'd returned as a ghost. It had to do with the Moyashi of that he was sure, but besides that he had no clue.

Of course there was the promise he'd made, so maybe this was the universes way of helping him keep that promise. Thinking about it required too much energy, so he stopped and let himself fall into the blackness around him.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

When he woke up again he found himself in a different room, a room that he didn't recognize as part of the Order. It was small, square, and filled with machinery of all kinds.

"... The Innocence won't seem to change back into basic form, I'm not sure why but this could end up being a problem." The voice belonged to Komui, and as Kanda looked around he saw the scientist talking to none other than General Tiedoll. He also saw Mugen sitting inside one of the machines, giving off a faint bluish glow.

So that's what they were talking about, apparently Mugen refused to be reverted back to basic Innocence. Kanda was pretty sure that it had something to do with his current state and how he seemed to be attached to the sword, but he couldn't be sure. Either way what were they going to do with it? If they couldn't change it back, finding a new Accommodator would defiantly be a lot harder, not to mention carrying it around would be an interesting ordeal.

His thoughts were interrupted by Tiedoll's voice, "Perhaps we should go along with Kanda's will, it did say that he wanted Allen to have Mugen. Besides, who better to find the Incidence's next Accommodator then the person who knew its previous owner the best?"

"That does make sense General, I'm going to have to clear it with the elders though. I'm not sure how I'm going to explain it, but I'm sure that once I do they'll agree." Komui's voice was chipper as always, which was starting to annoy Kanda as it usually did. He couldn't think about it long though, the darkness was pulling him back, and he let it, he'd learned that trying to fight it just wore him down more.

"You may be right Komui, but Allen may not be the right choice..." Tiedoll's voice broke through the darkness that was slowly enveloping Kanda, and upon hearing Allen's name Kanda tried to push against the heaviness. What was Tiedoll going to say about Allen? Kanda never found out because a wave of tiredness swept through him, pulling him into the darkness once more.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

When he finally woke up he could tell that he'd been asleep for less than a day, he didn't know how, but he just seemed to know. As the room came into focus he realized it was Komui's office he could remember it that well. When he looked around he saw a small group of his "friends" collected in the very messy room. Looking at the faces if the people he was closest to tore at his heart, they all looked so sad and depressed.

Allen was the worst, his eyes red and puffy from crying and his face gray and drawn out, both were obviously remnants of a restless night. Kanda desperately wanted to hug the small teen, to comfort him in some small way, but whenever he tried he just passed right through. It was almost as if whatever power had brought on his condition was mocking him, allowing him to see, but never to touch the one person he wanted to interact with more than anything.

When the sound was added to the picture Kanda finally realized what was happening. They were reading his will, proving even further that he was dead in their world. Kanda smirked to himself, when Komui had approached him two weeks ago about writing a will he'd laughed. He wasn't even passed the age of twenty five, why would he need a will? It had seemed so stupid then, but he'd done it anyway, just to get the annoying scientist off his back. The irony of the situation almost had the Japanese man laughing, but then he would look at Allen, and the gravity of the situation would come back in full force.

As Komui started listing off the blue haired man's final wishes, Kanda found himself remembering why he'd chosen to give each person their specific items. He didn't realize he was thinking aloud until he saw Allen turn his head, looking in his direction. When Komui started reading Allen's section Kanda felt himself go stiff, had they really agreed to give the Moyashi his precious Mugen? As Komui grabbed Mugen from a pile of items it would seem as though they had, but the explanation in Kanda's will couldn't even describe what he actually felt for the white haired teen.

On the off chance that Allen could actually hear him, he started to say all the things he couldn't on that document, "I know I don't say it much, and my actions don't usually display it, but I love you with all of my being. When I'm away from you I get worried about your safety and being with you feels so right it almost hurts. Giving Mugen to you proves how much I trust and love you, because no one else is worthy of this amazing weapon.

"Just like no one is worthy of such a beautiful and truly gifted person such as you. Not even I was worthy, and yet you chose me anyway, and for that I thank you, for letting me get close enough to see the real you. My hope is that you will find Mugen's new accommodator, and that you will perhaps see some spark of me inside them. Perhaps then you can move on and give someone else the chance you gave me. Thank you for everything, I will love you forever." The words sounded totally unlike him, but they felt right in the moment, and that's all that really mattered.

When he saw Allen's head snap around, staring at the spot the blue haired man was currently occupying, Kanda thought for a moment that he had actually been seen by the small white haired teen. However looking into his lovers eyes, he could tell that Allen had only heard the words he'd spoken. Kanda could do nothing when Allen turned away, tears in his eyes, to receive the sword he'd been bequeathed.

The young Exorcist stared at the blade for a moment before hugging it to his chest, letting the tears flow silently from his eyes.

"Kanda," he heard Allen whisper before the darkness started to pull him back.

He managed one word before the black nothingness claimed him, "Allen."

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Kanda came to in a very familiar room, one he'd been to many a time late in the night, Allen's bedroom. Everything was in the same place as when he was last there, only this time he saw Mugen leaning up against the bed frame. He reached out to grab it, just to feel the familiar weight of the sword, but at that moment the room's owner walked in, looking gaunt and exhausted.

Kanda watched in silent fascination as Allen walked over a picked up Mugen from it resting place. The white haired boy unsheathed the sword as he sat down on the bed, staring at the metallic flat of the blade. Watching as Allen pulled up his sleeves Kanda saw the pale thin scars that traced his wrists and knew what was going to happen next. He couldn't just stand around and let his precious lover start cutting again, he'd put a stop to it once, now he'd just have to stop him again.

Not really knowing what he was doing he let the anger of seeing the sprout trying to hurt himself take over as he reached for the blade. Somehow he was able to grab it and rip it from the stunned teen in front of him, he then proceeded to throw the sword into the nearby wall.

"Don't you fucking start that again Moyashi," he growled out, watching Allen's surprised reaction to the words and the movement of the sword.

"Kanda?" Allen asked the room, still unable to see the fuming ghost in front of him.

Kanda wanted to say more, but couldn't seem to get enough energy together to perform the task. So he had to settle for watching as Allen stood up and pulled Mugen out of the wall it bad been thrown into, then walked back to his bed a sheathing the sword once more. Seeing Allen place the weapon on the bed next to him Kanda gave a sigh of relief that was one dangerous situation averted. As Allen got ready for bed the Japanese mad walked over and sat on the mattress, watching as Allen pulled off his shirt and pants before rummaging around in his dresser for proper sleeping cloths. Kanda once again found himself wishing Allen could see him, wishing he could touch the pale silky skin of the person in front of him. He instead had to settle for watching Allen pull on a shirt that was much too big for him, and walk back over to the bed.

Kanda scooted back against the wall, lying down in the spot he would usually occupy. It was only as the white haired teen was crawling into bed that the blue haired man realized that the shirt Allen had put on was his own. That fact made him sad for some reason, it seemed as though Allen was still clinging onto the memories. Kanda felt a warm hand go through his torso as Allen moved Mugen to exactly where the Japanese man was laying, positioning it so it was perfectly aligned. Kanda looked down at the sword as it glowed a very faint blue before going out. Looking up when he felt Allen's weight on the bed he was finally able to see the teen's tears.

"I don't know if you can hear me, but thank you Kanda, for stopping me tonight. I'm not sure what would've happened, but thank you for caring." Allen's gaze was focus on his lap, but Kanda could tell that the tears ran freely down the young face.

After a few minutes Allen laid down, back facing the wall and closed his eyes to sleep. Kanda lay down beside him and placed a transparent arm around Allen's small frame. He started to idly stroke the feathery light wisps of white hair on Allen's head, humming to himself the way he always did. Feeling Allen relax into his hold he said the words that were only for Allen's ears, because no one else was allowed to know how he felt about the teen.

"I love you Allen, sweet dreams."

With that he let the darkness claim him, he was too tired to do more.

**A/N: Thank you so much for reading, until next time. Please review! :)**


	5. Chapter 5 Time Without You

**A/N: So it took me longer to get this chapter out, mainly because I've been having a really weird/crappy week. Anyway, thank you to all who have reviewed this story up to this point, without your support I would have given this up a while ago. So please, continue reviewing and make me even more determined to keep this story going. I have to say that I love it more then I probably realize.**

**Here's the next chapter so please read, enjoy, and review.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 5 Time Without You

~Allen~

Allen spent the first week and a half locked in his room, not even getting up to eat. There was no point in doing anything, and even if Kanda wasn't gone, there seemed to be no way to reach him wherever he was. Lavi and Lenalee had tried to get him up, doing everything except forcefully removing him from the room. They brought him his food, of which he ate very little, and tried to get him to do things that he would normally do, to no avail. He'd hardly slept at all, and Allen could feel the strain it was putting on his body.

Little to his friend's knowledge he did actually come out of his room, only in the dead of night when he couldn't sleep. He'd wander the hallways, getting lost only to find himself in front of a very familiar room. It wasn't his but it was one that he had visited many times late at night. The room had belonged to Kanda, and every time Allen found himself outside of that familiar door he would break down in tears again. He never went in, knowing that he'd just find an empty room, devoid of the person that he actually wanted to see.

It was hard, but somehow the white haired teen always managed to get up and back to his room before the sun came up, locking himself in for another day. Once he was in the safety of his room he would cry, letting the tears fall and hugging his knees to his chest like a child. There was only one person who would've been able to get him out of his room when he was like this, but that person was dead, and wouldn't be showing up ever again.

Allen noticed that Komui tried to keep his distance, not sending him on missions, and making sure that he had space to grieve. However, everyone knew that if Allen didn't go on a mission, and soon, there would be inquires and questions that would most definitely bring to light the relationship that Allen and Kanda had shared. No one wanted to see the adorable and vulnerable teen subjected to the torture and humiliation of a public trial for all the things he'd done with Kanda. He'd be charged with blasphemy, sodomy, and adultery at the least, and once that happened, there was nothing that anyone could do to stop the church. Not to mention that Kanda's name would be tarnished for all of the same offenses, adding on to those child rape and molestation.

So Allen had to be sent on a mission, even in his terrible emotional state, because in order to keep him safe from the church, they had to put him in danger of a different kind. He was sent on the mission with Lavi, who was the next best Exorcist to Allen himself, in the hope that if something went wrong both of them would make it out alive. Allen carried Kanda's katana, as part of the agreement he had to try and find its new Accommodator, and the two Exorcists went on their way to Ingolstadt in Germany.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen had survived the train ride to Ingolstadt, never once letting his mask slip. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, mainly because unlike at the Order, no one knew the pain he was going through. He was just another person in a crowd of hundreds. The only person who knew anything about Allen was Lavi, and even though he was worried about the white haired teen he couldn't show it. So the two walked through Ingolstadt, looking for traces of any Akuma or Innocence in the area.

Allen was actually kind of enjoying himself, the work was taking his mind off the one thing he didn't want to think about. That was until Lavi brought up the fact that he wasn't eating.

"You know Allen you really need to eat more, because if you don't your Innocence is going to kill you. You're a parasite type, meaning you have to eat and sleep in order to function properly. I know that things have been hard for you since Kanda died, but you can't go on like this, it's not what Yuu would've wanted." The red heads words grated on Allen's nerves, and it was all he could do to not blow up that the Junior Bookman.

"You don't think I know that? In all honesty, if he hadn't wanted this to happen he wouldn't have gotten himself killed in the first place. And don't you ever call him Yuu, he hated you for that." Allen's voice was laced with ice and anger, but on the inside he felt as though on the verge of tears. Lavi could obviously see this, so he stopped talking, letting Allen deal with whatever emotions he was feeling alone.

They walked and scouted for the rest of the day, Lavi never bringing up Kanda again, for which Allen was very grateful. They stopped at an inn for the night, Lavi being smart enough to get them separate rooms so that Allen could try and sleep on his own. They walked up the stairs and said goodnight, each going into their respective rooms to turn in for the night.

Allen knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep very much, so he sat on the bed, unsheathing Mugan and polishing the blade. It was meticulous work, but it helped keep his mind off the thing, or rather the person, that sent him spiraling into despair. He was able to focus on cleaning the blade for about an hour, one of his longest times, before thoughts of Kanda filled his head and made his heart hurt.

There were so many things he missed about the stoic Japanese man, from his silky blue-black hair to his rough calloused hands, to his deep voice that always managed to send shivers down the white haired teen's spine.

Almost as if on cue he heard that voice, trying to say something to him. Oh how he'd missed that voice, missed the way that its owner used it to insult him when they were in public, but praise him and make him feel loved and accepted when they were alone. He strained, trying to hear the words that were just out of reach, from the voice he couldn't get enough of. At that moment he didn't care if the voice was all in his head, he just desperately wanted to hear the familiar bass of that voice.

When he could finally make out the words he was disheartened to hear Kanda yelling at him for not eating. Why did it seem as though whenever Allen did or thought to do something stupid or self-harming, Kanda's voice would come out of nowhere and make him feel terrible for even trying?

Even so, the words hit like blows and Allen couldn't stop the tears from falling again. The voice was right, this is not at all what Kanda would've wanted, and yet Allen couldn't seem to bother himself to care. Why should he when Kanda was the one who went and died on him? If he wanted to die and join Kanda in the afterlife was it really that bad a choice to make?

The voice could just be his survival instinct, informing him of the fact that he's making choices that will eventually kill him in a voice that he would register and listen to. That seemed like the most likely of all the options, so Allen just sat on the bed, riding out the storm of his mind until he could finally get some kind of sleep.

"…. Get on with your life, it's not that hard."

The last line of his sub-conscious rant caught him off guard, and he ended up responding to the voice, "You keep telling me to move on, but how can I do that when you're still here? I can't forget you, because you keep appearing and saving me just like you used to. When I try to do anything even remotely self-destructive you're there to tell me how stupid I'm being, and remind me of how my actions don't just affect me. I would like nothing better than to leave the nightmares and pain behind, but I can't, because you're still here.

"That is unless you're just a figment of my imagination. A phantom of my own making to try and keep you here even after you've gone. In that case I'm talking to myself, which will eventually end me in the loony bin if I don't manage to stop."

Allen was on the brink of crying, but he held his tears in. There was no way he was going to let himself get emotional over a conversation with his own mind. What he said was true, but it was hurting his heart more and more, knowing that this pain wouldn't go away until he actually let go of Kanda, something he had yet to really do.

It was ironic really, all he wanted to do was get rid of the pain, but all the ways he used to do that were being stopped by his subconscious, wearing the guise of the reason for his anguish. It really didn't make much sense, and Allen was sure that if he were to be pulled into a room for a physiological exam he'd probably fail. It was a good thing that the Order was bogged down with work, or else Komui may have made him go to counseling before returning back to his job.

The white haired Exorcist was brought out of his thoughts by a cold chill that brushed against his arm, something that felt relatively like a hand. His eyes wandered around the room for a moment, wondering if there was a draft somewhere until he looked down at his arm. On that spot on his arm, he was surprised to see something akin to a transparent hand resting on the warm skin. Allen followed the hand up, watching as an arm materialized, still transparent like the hand, but definitely visible. Following the arm up, Allen saw a torso materialize, wearing a familiar Exorcist jacket and covered with blue-black hair. Taking a deep breath Allen looked up past the torso, to see the face that he'd been longing to see for what felt like a lifetime.

Allen felt his face flush a little as he looked upon the familiar face of his dead lover. The white haired Exorcist was sure now that he had gone crazy because of his loves death. That could be the only way to explain why he was seeing this apparition. The only thing was, Allen didn't care if this image was only a picture from his mind. It was Kanda, and for the first time in weeks Allen felt at ease. It was strange but Allen was glad for it.

The younger man was a little surprised when the apparition suddenly cupped his face. Feeling those strong calloused hands cradle his face again brought back so many good memories, of secret meetings, and passionate love. It was all Allen could do not to melt at that touch, because it all seemed so real, just like he remembered. The piercing blue cobalt eyes looked into his, and Allen felt himself drowning into their depths once more. Oh how he had missed loosing himself into those eyes, like drowning in the bright blue waves of the ocean.

There was a light in those blue eyes that continued to grow every second they stared at Allen, and the white haired Exorcist could do nothing but try to breathe again. His heart was beating erratically, but he didn't really care, Kanda was finally there again.

Allen wasn't surprised in the slightest when Kanda brought their lips together, capturing his soft supple lips in a very familiar embrace. The younger Exorcist's body shivered at the touch, Kanda's lips were so cold and seemingly lifeless, like when Allen had kissed the corpse in his fit of despair. It felt very strange, and brought back terrible memories, but for some reason he couldn't pull away from the strong lips, or the arms holding him.

It didn't take long for the kiss to heat, and Allen felt himself falling into the arms he was so used to. The feeling to him was bliss, especially after spending so long of having to live without his lovers touch, without the familiar scent. He wrapped his arms up around the neck of the apparition, knowing that this might not even be real, but hoping that it was.

Allen stayed there for forever, leaning into Kanda's chest while kissing him fiercely. He knew that he needed air, but he couldn't seem to pull away from the familiar lips or retract himself from the familiar embrace of his love. Kanda pulled away too soon for Allen's taste, but as he took a big gulp of air he could feel the tears and hysteria bubble up inside of him. He knew he was going to cry, so he let them flow out his eyes like a small waterfall.

This might be a figment of his imagination, this might be a sign that he was going crazy, hell it might even be him breaking mentally, destroying his mind in his grief. He wasn't sure what this life-like vision of Kanda was, but he didn't want it to go away. He didn't want to think of anything other than Kanda at the moment. So he let the tears fall, let himself bath in the beauty of the moment.

But as always, Allen's fears and hopes clashed, causing him to ask the one question he didn't want to ask.

"Is it really you Kanda?" He could feel the tears in his voice, the pain flowing through clear as day.

There was a second of silence before Kanda's answer, and in that moment Allen felt his heart fall just a little bit.

"Of course it's me Baka-Moyashi. You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?"

**A/N: So there you have it folks the next chapter in this ghostly drama. I hope you liked it, and if you did please help your local author and review, it would help a lot. :)**


	6. Chapter 6 Touch

**A/N: The next chapter of this tear-jerking story.**

**Please enjoy and review if you liked it.**

**New Note: I had to fix some time line things, so if you're reading for the first time, continue on. If you're re-reading, please don't mind the small changes. :)**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 6 Touch

~Kanda~

He could tell when he woke up that it had been at least a week, maybe more, since the night when he stopped Allen from cutting again. Upon regaining his sight he knew he wasn't at the Order any more, there was a lack of depressing stone walls and there were far too many people around. Instead he seemed to be in a market square surrounded by people who couldn't see him.

Not quite knowing what was going on, he searched for the one person he knew would be in this strange scene, Allen. Even through the teen had his hood up, he still wasn't hard to spot, the Exorcist coat he was wearing gave him away almost instantly. There was another Exorcist with him, and upon further inspection Kanda realized it was Lavi, which made sense in a way. This was probably Allen's first mission since the Japanese man's death, and there was no way in hell that Komui was going to let an emotionally unstable teen off on a mission alone.

When Kanda finally got close enough to hear what they were saying, he did not like the topic of conversation at all.

"... Allen, you need to eat more, you're wasting away. I know that Kanda's death hit you harder than the rest of us, but please you need to eat more or else your Parasite type Innocence is going to kill you. Is that what you want, to die and live out Kanda's memory in vain?" Kanda could tell by Lavi's tired tone of voice that this conversation had been had many times, and that things had gotten worse in the time he'd been 'asleep'.

"But Lavi, I'm not hungry, really I'm not. You have to understand that maybe my appetite change has nothing to do with Kanda, maybe my Innocence is taking less of a toll on my body." Allen sounded totally convincing, but the look on Lavi's face told Kanda that he'd heard all this before, and that he wasn't buying a single word.

"Fine starve yourself. Just know that I tried to save you," Lavi said the words with no emotion, the words of a man who knows that he's fighting lost cause.

Kanda sighed, it wasn't like Lavi to give up so easily, which meant that this was bad, very bad. He wished that he could do something, when he finally remembered that Allen could hear him when he talked. He'd have to wait for a time when Allen was alone, he didn't want to make people think that the teen was crazy. Funnily enough Kanda knew exactly what he was going to say.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Kanda waited out the entire day to find a time when Allen was alone. Watching as Allen and Lavi investigated a rumor of Innocence within the town. So far their hunt had come up empty, and upon the end of the day they found an inn to stay in for the night. All throughout the day Kanda noticed that Allen didn't eat a thing, which worried him even more than just overhearing about the teen's new eating habits. Normally Allen would be eating almost everything in sight, munching on something while they walked, and ordering one of everything when they sat down for lunch. Today all he'd eaten was a small salad and bowl of soup, and that was only because Lavi had ordered it for him.

So when Allen was finally alone in his room Kanda watched as Allen drew Mugen and started polishing the blade, much like he used to do when something was on his mind. It was obvious that the sprout was trying very hard not to think about something, and the Japanese man could only assume the topic was him. He felt like utter shit letting Allen waste away like he was, but there was very little he could do about it except for talk to the teen. Even then there was no real guarantee that the other Exorcist would actually head his words.

So Kanda waited until it seemed as though the younger man was done polishing the sword before he started talking, "Oye Baka Moyashi, you're an idiot you know that right? You have parasite type Innocence dumb ass which means you need to eat or your Innocence will kill you. I understand that this is probably my fault because I died and all, but don't take your anger for me out on yourself. Lavi was right about one thing, I do not approve of this self-pitying attitude of yours. Get on with your life, it's not that hard."

The Japanese man watched for a few moments, trying to gauge Allen's reaction. From what he could see the sprout was both relieved and angry, neither of which Kanda could really understand. Even so Kanda was surprised when Allen actually responded, the words heated and intense, "You keep telling me to move on, but how can I do that when you're still here? I can't forget you, because you keep appearing and saving me just like you used to. When I try to do anything even remotely self-destructive you're there to tell me how stupid I'm being, and remind me of how my actions don't just affect me. I would like nothing better than to leave the nightmares and pain behind, but I can't, because you're still here.

"That is unless you're just a figment of my imagination. A phantom of my own making to try and keep you here even after you've gone. In that case I'm talking to myself, which will eventually end me in the loony bin if I don't manage to stop."

Allen sounded so broken, desperate and hopeless, something beyond repair that Kanda couldn't help himself when he reached out and tried to touch the boy. He was surprised to find that his hand didn't pass through, instead it gently ghosted across pale skin, leaving goose bumps behind. He felt Allen move under his touch, looking around the room before staring at the spot that Kanda's hand was touching. The Japanese man followed the white haired teen's gaze up his arm, across his chest, and finally to his face.

He could see some spark of recognition in the gray eyes he'd lost himself in hundreds of times before, and couldn't believe that this was actually happening. Could Allen actually see him, or was his mind playing tricks on him, trying to give him hope when there was none? Kanda quickly grabbed the sprouts face, cupping the younger teen's cheeks and staring into those eyes, making sure that the spark remained there and that he hadn't been seeing things.

He was elated when he found it again, this time burning brighter than before. Allen could actually see him, feel him, respond to him. It was more of a miracle then him being there, and it meant so much that he could finally kiss the person he'd wanted to for weeks.

Kanda wasted no time in doing exactly that, bringing his lips to Allen's in a deep passionate kiss. He could tell by the shiver that the sprout gave off that his lips felt cold against his lovers. It was to be expected, he was a ghost after all, and had no body heat of his own. Even so, he felt a warm tingling sensation through the kiss, one that filled him slowly until he felt like he was on fire. He watched Allen melt into his arms, both of them taking positions that were achingly familiar. As Allen wrapped his thin arms around Kanda's neck, the older man's stronger arms threaded around the sprouts thin waist, making sure the younger man didn't fall over.

The kiss seemed to last forever, even though it was only a few minutes before Kanda pulled away somehow knowing that the Moyashi needed air. It seemed like a faint buzzing in the back of his head, warning him to stop before the sprout passed out. The Japanese man pulled away just enough to look into Allen's gray eyes, loosing himself into the twin pools of sliver as he'd always done before. He could see the tears start to form in the corners of the white haired teen's eyes, and it infuriated him that there was nothing he could do about them.

The Japanese Exorcist could see that Allen was wary that he wasn't real, which was something that Kanda could understand. He couldn't even quiet believe it himself, but yet here he was, holding his lover in his arms as a ghost.

In that moment Kanda thought of all of the times that he'd held Allen as the younger man cried. Wiping away tears and feeling Allen cry and hiccup into his shirt. Those had always been the best and the worst days. They were the best because Kanda got the chance to hold Allen, to comfort the white haired Exorcist in his times of crisis and doubt, but they were the worst because Kanda knew that there was nothing he could do to stop the problem at its source.

Kanda had only seen Allen cry over three things, and each of those things was different and yet the same. Allen cried over death, mainly the death of his foster father, but also the deaths of those he couldn't save in time, even if he didn't even know the person. He also cried over his fate, his destiny to be the "Destroyer of Time". This seemed to cause him grief because there were so many responsibilities and demands placed on his small shoulders. The third thing was only recent, but it was the effect of something that had happened to him when he was younger, the 14th Noah that resided within him, causing him pain and threatening to take over at any moment. The thought of Allen being taken over made Kanda sick, but it was a truth that the both of them had faced and managed to live with.

The thoughts flashed by in Kanda's mind that he could scarcely grab onto one before another came to take its place. There was one thing that managed to bind all of the thoughts together, and that was Kanda's love for Allen, something that had happened suddenly, but managed to wriggle its way into Kanda's heart.

The Japanese man could still remember the first day he'd met Allen, outside the gates of the Black Order. The kid had been smaller then, still sure of himself, but smaller and seemingly more fragile. Back then Kanda had wanted to kill Allen many times, for annoying him, for being so happy when they were surrounded by death and destruction, but most of all of wearing the fake smile that no one even seemed to see through. It was infuriating, and Kanda found himself thrown into fights with the Moyashi, all to try and see beyond that mask, trying to find out who Allen Walker really was.

It wasn't until almost a full year from their first meeting that Kanda finally started to understand Allen, seeing beyond the mask enough to say that he knew more about Allen then any of the white haired teen's other friends. It wasn't long before Kanda had developed feelings towards the younger Exorcists, and although he tried to hide it, Allen found out anyway.

Kanda remembered the conversation still, it was preserved like crystal in his mind…

_They'd been on the way home from a mission in France. Allen had fallen asleep on the bench seat and Kanda was just pushing a stray lock of hair out of the younger teen's eyes when a hand grabbed his wrist and held it there._

_It was Allen, and when Kanda looked into the storm gray eyes of the younger teen he was caught in their depths for a moment._

"_Kanda, what were you just doing?" Allen asked, looking mischievous._

"_What did it look like Baka? I was pushing you hair out of your face," Kanda quickly went on the defensive, not wanting to be found out that easily._

"_And why, may I ask, where you doing that?" Allen raised an eyebrow and gave Kanda a little smirk._

_Kanda didn't know how to respond without giving away his secret, so he ended up just sputtering until a pair of warm lips met his, halting his muttering._

_The kiss didn't last long, it was just a chaste kiss, one that was basic and simple, but to Kanda it set off fireworks inside his body. He looked at Allen, puzzled, before he noticed the blush on the other teen's cheeks._

_He would forever remember the next words out of Allen's mouth, "That's just my way of saying that I like you too Kanda."_

The memory resurfaced unbidden, but Kanda had to admit he did like to remember that day.

His thoughts were quickly brought back to the present when he heard Allen's voice, so quiet he could barely hear.

"Is it really you Kanda?"

The younger teen's face was streaked with tears, and his voice wavered when he spoke, but Kanda could tell that beneath the uncertainty, Allen had hope.

This realization was all it took for Kanda to smirk a little. Allen wanted him to come back, to be the sprouts protector as he'd always been. Kanda was happy, genuinely happy, for the first time within this whole ghost ordeal. Allen could see him, feel him, touch him, and it was almost as if he wasn't dead.

"Of course it's me Baka-Moyashi. You didn't think you could get rid of me that easily did you?" Kanda said to the sprout in his arms, giving his signature smirk.

"I'm so glad Kanda," Allen said burying his head in Kanda's chest as he smiled.

The Japanese Exorcist couldn't hear the beginning of Allen's rant, most of it was spoken into his chest, but what he did catch put his mind in high alert.

"…. I can't wait to tell the others that you're still here, they'll be so happy," Allen looked so happy in that moment, but Kanda couldn't bring himself to add to that hope, so he quickly dashed it.

"I'm sorry Moyashi, but you can't tell anyone about me," Kanda saw Allen's face fall as he continued, "I'm somehow attached to Mugen and the Innocence the blade carries. If you went and told people there would be experiments and horrible things done to Mugen, and probably me as well. I don't want to risk having to leave you so that the Order can experiment on me again."

"I understand Kanda," Allen's voice almost sounded dead, but Kanda could still hear the hope in the younger teen's tone.

Kanda was going to respond, but he could feel the darkness creeping up on him, dragging him back into the abyss. He saw his arms beginning to disappear and panicked for a moment.

Allen looked up, "Kanda what's wrong?"

Kanda kissed the white haired teen's forehead, whispering because he couldn't manage to collect enough energy to do anything else, "I'm fine Moyashi, I just have to go for a little while. I promise I'll be back."

Kanda could feel that the rest of his body was slowly fading away, and he tried to say one last thing before he faded, but he was gone before he could get the words out.

"I love you Kanda," was the last thing he heard before sinking back into the blackness.

The Japanese Exorcist closed his eyes and let the darkness take him.

"I love you too Allen."

**A/N: So I hope you liked the little memory from Kanda, I have a feeling I may add a few more of those to increase the dramatic elements of the story, and to also give you guys some insight into Kanda and Allen's relationship before Kanda became all ghostified.**

**I hope you liked it. Please, drop me a review. :)**


	7. Chapter 7 Hope and Love

**A/N: Here's the next chapter, I'm sorry it's a little late, but I've had a pretty busy life at the moment. It is also official, I've run out of pre-written chapters, so they may be coming even more slowly now, sorry if that does happen.**

**I hope enjoy the next chapter, and please review.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 7 Hope and Love

~Allen~

The white haired Exorcist was overjoyed with the knowledge he'd just received. It wasn't necessarily good news, but it was the best thing he'd heard in the past month. Kanda wasn't dead, just a ghost somehow, and that meant that he wasn't out of his life just yet.

Allen looked up into Kanda's face, noticing a hint of anger tracing lines in the beautifully angled features. The younger Exorcist could see that something was troubling the older, but that thought took second place to his joy over the fact that he wasn't alone anymore. Kanda was back and in that moment that was all that mattered.

"Oh Kanda, I thought I was going crazy. I would hear your voice, but no one else seemed to notice, and I kept catching glimpses of you but I'd blink and you'd be gone. I can't believe you're actually here, and that I'm not going insane. I can't wait to tell the others that you're still here, they'll be so happy," Allen let himself smile for the first time in days, weeks even. Kanda was back so everything was going to be alright.

"I'm sorry Moyashi, but you can't tell anyone about me," Allen felt his face fall as Kanda continued, "I'm somehow attached to Mugen and the Innocence the blade carries. If you went and told people there would be experiments and horrible things done to Mugen, and probably me as well. I don't want to risk having to leave you so that the Order can experiment on me again."

Allen understood the reasons, but he couldn't sit by and do nothing. He'd ask Lavi about this, discreetly of course. If anything like this had happened before, Lavi would know. He was Bookman in training after all, if anyone would know, it would be him.

The white haired teen looked back up at Kanda's face to see that half of it had disappeared, the other half was wearing a pained expression.

"Kanda what's wrong?" Allen was starting to panic as more and more of Kanda's face disappeared. What if he disappeared for good this time?

"Nothing, I just have to go for now," Allen watched as Kanda kissed his forehead and whispering one final sentence before fading into the air again.

"I love you too Kanda," Allen whispered to the empty air.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen sat in his bed for the next hour thinking everything through. It wouldn't be good to go into anything half aware considering the stakes he was playing for.

Putting his head in his hands, sitting off the edge of the bed and resting his arms on his knees he thought about how happy he was at the moment. Letting a small smile flash across his face he remembered the kiss that had happened not even an hour ago. The knowledge he'd just received made his life more worth living then before. Kanda wasn't gone, well he was dead, but he still managed to linger in the living world, and if that was possible then there must be a way to bring him back into the world of the living. Even though it might be a long shot, it gave Allen a goal, something to work for that might take his mind off the fact that Kanda was dead, and only his spirit managed to remain.

The first thing Allen had to do was talk to Lavi or Bookman about it. One of them was sure to know something about ghosts that could help him in the revival of his lost love. He'd have to be discrete with his questions and would probably have to do a lot of research on his own, but if it brought Kanda back, he would pay any price. The only thing he wouldn't stoop to was turning Kanda into an Akuma. Allen had already done that to one love one, there was no way he was going to let another slip into the Earl's grasp.

So he would just have to ask Lavi, because there had to be some reason as to why Kanda was still here. As he sat there thinking Allen felt a chill tingle up his spine. Instead of being afraid he looked around excitedly, trying to make out the ghostly figure of his lover in the dim room. He felt a breeze brush through his hair, and quickly understood. Kanda couldn't appear right now, but he was still there, still watching over Allen as he'd always done.

Allen felt himself relax as the cold breeze seemed to weave its way through his snowy locks. He lay back on the bed and felt some cold air brush his side, showing the young Exorcist that Kanda was still there, taking up the space he'd always occupied. The white haired teen felt free of the sorrow that had taken hold of him over the past week, and he knew that, at least for tonight, he wouldn't be plagued by nightmares.

"Thank you Kanda," he said as a thread of cold air wrapped around his torso, making him feel safe again.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen woke up feeling better than he had in what seemed life forever. The cold air was gone from his side, but it still felt as though Kanda lingered not too far away. The white haired teen got out of bed and dressed for the day, meeting Lavi outside his room and going to breakfast together.

The younger Exorcist felt his ravenous hunger return, and ordered more food than normal to make up for the week that he'd barely eaten. Lavi seemed happy to see the younger finally eating again, but was still slightly confused as to what had brought on the change. Just yesterday the two had had an argument about how little Allen had been eating, and now the kid was packing it in. Lavi knew that it couldn't have been something he said, the younger teen had only taken orders from Komui and Kanda before. Which left the question, with Kanda gone, had Komui really gone to all the trouble of contacting Allen just to eat? Lavi didn't really think so, which left just one option, Allen's returned appetite had something to do with Kanda.

Lavi had been told by the old panda that something was wrong with Kanda's Innocence, but no one, not even Komui, knew what it was. They knew that it wouldn't change back to basic Innocence to be fitted for a new Accommodator, almost as if its old master were still alive. So they'd given it to Allen, who was almost at General level, to see if putting the sword in proximity to the person Kanda was closest to would cause some kind of change.

Just based on Allen's sudden mood shift something obviously happened the night before, and it was up to Lavi to pay attention and figure out what.

After Allen had finished his food, Lavi led the pair outside to scout the town some more. They needed to find the Innocence and leave before one of the Noah showed up and took it from them. It wouldn't do either of them any good should a certain Portuguese Noah show up and provoke them.

Both of them knew that Kanda had been killed by Tyki, who had somehow found a way to kill the Japanese Exorcist with his own Innocence, and both of them wanted to kill the Noah for it. Lavi because Kanda had been one of his best friends, despite the blue haired teens could attitude and Lavi's position as Bookman in training. Allen because Kanda had been his lover, his best friend, his world. They had shared a bond that had somehow managed to keep Kanda's spirit in the living world, something that very few people could say.

In both cases, were Tyki to show up at any point during their mission, it could be assured that the Noah wouldn't live to see the next day.

As they walked down a rather busy street, Allen decided that now would be the best time to try and gather some information on Kanda's condition.

He sidled up to Lavi and started in, "Lavi, I have a question to ask you."

When the Bookman Junior looked up Allen continued, "What do you know about ghosts?"

The white haired Exorcist tried to phrase the question to make it sound hopeful, as though he was asking if there was anyway Kanda could still be around. He seemed to pull it off, based on the understanding and concern in Lavi's eye.

The red haired Exorcist gave a deep sigh before starting, "I think I know why you're asking, and there's no way to bring him back Allen."

Allen had figured that getting the information would be hard, but he'd always been a good actor. He let his eyes fill with fake tears while making his bottom lip tremble ever so slightly, "I just that thought that maybe, there might be a way…"

Lavi heaved another sigh before bringing the younger teen into a hug. There was no way he could leave the younger like this, having a hope that was impossible to come true. The Bookman Jr. steeled himself, he needed to make Allen understand that what he was asking was impossible.

"Allen, he can't come back, for many reasons, a few of which you probably know. All of the ghosts I've ever encountered were vengeful spirits, somehow attached to something in the physical world. There was usually Innocence involved, but not always. What you need to understand is that these kinds of ghosts have a mission, and they can't move on until that mission is complete. Most of the time this vendetta is against the person that killed them, and they will restlessly seek this person out until they either get what they want, or the object they're attached to is destroyed.

"I know you miss him Allen, and I do too, but there isn't a way to bring him back. You need to stop grieving for his loss, because if you don't at least start to move on, the Earl will offer you exactly what you want. I now you're strong enough to resist, and understand exactly what the Earl offers, but there's always that chance," Lavi pulled away and patted the younger teen on the head, hoping his words would make it through the haze of grief.

Allen wiped his eye and smiled a sad smile at Lavi before continuing down the street. Lavi's information made sense, but Allen still couldn't figure out why Kanda was still around.

There were a couple of options and none of them looked very good. Kanda could be around in order to keep the white haired Exorcist sane, and to stop him from hurting himself. He could also be stuck because of something that had to do with his death. If that was the case then Allen hoped that he never ran into Tyki again until he could fully figure things out.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

The rest of the day went by uneventfully. Lavi left Allen to his thoughts, and Allen kept catching glimpses of Kanda's ghost following the pair around. Seeing Kanda following them gave Allen some comfort, his mind was able to relax knowing that Kanda was watching over him once more.

When the pair of Exorcists got back to the inn they were staying in they ate dinner, Allen once again getting a portion even larger than his usual. Once the pair was done they both retired to their rooms to rest up for the next day of searching.

As Allen got ready for bed he kept falling asleep standing up, only waking himself up when he began to fall to the ground. He figured this would happen. Sure he did get a good night's sleep the night before, but he hadn't been sleeping well, or at all really, for the past several weeks, and it looked like it was finally catching up to him.

He didn't want to go to sleep just yet, because he knew that Kanda would be there and he really wanted to talk to the ghost about where they could go from the information he'd gained from Lavi.

As if on cue Kanda appeared, but his face looked deep in thought and rather troubled.

**A/N: The end to another exciting chapter, thank you for reading and please, please, please review**.


	8. Chapter 8 Fading Away

**A/N: Got this chapter done a lot quicker than I thought I would, so I decided to post it up rather than make you wait. Like I said before I've run out of pre-written chapters, so I'm going to probably start posting less often than before. I will try to keep up with my usual one chapter a week, but I can't make any promises.**

**Please enjoy the chapter and review.**

**silverdragon**

**Warning: Quick little warning, the very end of the chapter mentions some child molestation/rape, not graphic or anything, but it's still there and I think I should warn you about it.**

Chapter 8 Fading Away

~Kanda~

When he woke up again Kanda was once again in a crowd of people, being tugged along by the invisible tether that bound him to Mugen. He could see the white hair on Allen's head as it bobbed through the crowd, weaving through people until in disappeared around a corner. Kanda willed himself to follow, floating about the crowd until he was right next to the Moyashi.

The sprout seemed to be talking to Lavi, unshed tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Kanda was just about to throttle the rabbit when he finally caught onto their conversation.

"I just thought that maybe there might be a way…" Allen's lip trembled as he talked and Kanda once again cursed both himself and Tyki for his death.

"Allen, he can't come back, for many reasons, a few of which you probably know," Lavi started, but Kanda drowned him out as realization dawned on him.

Allen was already syphoning information from Lavi concerning Kanda's condition. The Japanese man had to hand it to the Moyashi, he worked fast when he wanted to.

Kanda listened to the end of Lavi's explanation and was a little surprised, "What you need to understand is that these kinds of ghosts have a mission and they can't move on until that mission is complete. Most of the time it's a vendetta against the person that killed them, and the will restlessly seek this person out until they either get what they want, or the object they're attached to is destroyed…"

Kanda didn't need to hear anything else before he started thinking again. He'd never been the brightest of the Exorcists, so it took him a while to piece things together, but this was pretty clear. He was here for a reason, some kind of unfinished business, probably having to do with the Moyashi. What he couldn't figure out was the exact reason. He could be around to protect Allen, mainly from himself, but he could also have remained to try and destroy Tyki for killing him. It didn't really matter to him though, he would stay by the Moyashi as long as he could, he was determined to.

In regards to the object he was bound to, there was no doubt in his mind that Mugen was that object. He was attached to the sword, and as long as Allen had the sword there was no way he was going anywhere. He was stuck to the sprout, in more ways than one.

He looked over at Allen again, noticing the sad smile that graced the sprouts face. Kanda had always hated when Allen put on one of his many masks, but this time he was glad that Allen was such a good actor, because there was no way he was going to let The Order do anything else to him, they'd already done enough.

Kanda sighed, following Allen again and wondering when he'd be able to appear again. It seemed to take a lot of energy to touch anything living, and even more to appear for anyone, but he wanted, no needed, to see his Moyashi again, feel the warmth of the smaller body against his. At least it seemed as though he was getting more attuned to his spiritual state, moving around more freely and staying 'awake' for longer.

Kanda let out a big puff of air, watching for the rest of the day would be incredible boring, but he would just have to deal with it. He would rather be bored and 'awake' then 'sleeping' and floating in the void. Besides, this way he got to watch his Moyashi, making sure he was okay and safe, at least as much as possible. Allen always had a knack for getting into trouble.

So he followed the pair, not that he had much choice, through the crowds of living bodies, and watched the other two Exorcists go about their search for the Innocence. Every once in a while Kanda would put an invisible hand on Allen's shoulder, or ruffle the soft white locks on the sprouts head. It only manifested in a breeze or a slight wave of cold, but Kanda could tell that Allen understood what he was doing. It was barely noticeable, but Kanda was so used to Allen's reactions that he saw the slight moves the sprout made to push into the touch, or react to the caresses. It made him overjoyed to know that Allen could finally react to his presence. Even though he was invisible at least Allen knew that he was there. He only hoped that he would be able to appear before his lover again.

The rest of the day went by quickly for Kanda. He watched Allen eat mountains of food at lunch and dinner, much to Lavi's relative surprise. For once he was happy that Allen was eating at a disgustingly fast pace, because it meant that he was eating.

Once Allen was done with dinner Kanda watched him get ready for bed. The younger Exorcist practically falling asleep where he stood, he was just that tired.

Kanda could only guess how terribly the sprout had been sleeping over the past few weeks. The Japanese man never thought his death would hurt Allen that much, but those thoughts seemed stupid now. If it had been Allen who had died there would have been no way in hell Kanda would have been able to survive it.

They'd both been broken, in more ways than one, when they'd found each other. Allen was broken from his abandonment as a child, from the death of his foster father Mana, and from having to live so many years with Cross. Kanda was broken from what had been done to his mind and body at the hands of The Order, along with the death of Alma and the scars of his past life. They were each broken differently, but it was that difference that held them together. They were two parts of a whole, black and white mixing to form a lovely metallic gray. In truth they probably never should have met, but Kanda had been so glad that they had.

Now, as he watched the sprout practically falling asleep while brushing his teeth, he started to wonder about their connection. Was it really okay to let the Moyashi suffer? Would it have been better if they had never met at all? What would have happened to Allen if they had never fallen in love? Should he stay by Allen's side, or would it be better to try and move on to the next life?

His questions were halted when he felt a warm hand on his cheek. Looking down he saw Allen gazing into his face, a look of warm concern showing in his young grey eyes.

"Are you okay Kanda?" the younger Exorcist asked, bringing up his other hand to cup Kanda's face.

It seemed that Kanda had been focusing so much that he'd managed to materialize in front of his lover without even realizing it. It was slightly annoying that he couldn't control his materialization, but in time he would learn.

"I'm good enough, considering I'm a ghost," Kanda commented, trying to sound light and joking but failing as Allen's face fell.

"You know we'll find a way to bring you back," Allen said, his fists grabbing at Kanda's Exorcist jacket. He buried his face in the older Exorcist's chest and Kanda could feel the tears running through his shirt.

He wrapped his arms around Allen's smaller body and placed his chin on top of white hair, wondering why he was such an asshole, especially to the people he cared about.

Had he not died, Allen wouldn't be going through this shit again. Kanda blamed himself, because it was his fault, but he also blamed that bastard Tyki, who had actually done the dead. What was the Noah's problem anyway? Why would he want Allen? Who the hell was he, trying to claim Allen like some kind of rag doll?

Kanda was getting so frustrated with himself and his thoughts of Tyki that he unconsciously increased his hold on Allen's body.

"Kanda you're squishing me," Allen complained, trying to wriggle free of the larger man's hold.

Kanda let go, snapping out of his angered state as Allen staggered backwards, rubbing his arms.

"I'm sorry," Kanda said feebly, noticing light bruises starting to form on the younger's pale skin.

Allen touched Kanda's arm but Kanda avoided his gaze, disgusted with himself.

"I can tell something's bothering you Kanda, so please just tell me what's wrong."

The blue haired teen wanted to scream in frustration, but know that he couldn't for fear of scaring Allen away or having someone else hear him.

"I'm fine," Kanda grumbled out, turning away from Allen and looking at the wall.

"Kanda," Allen's voice was pleading yet firm and Kanda couldn't help but to sigh in frustration.

"Fine," he turned back to Allen, "I'm pissed off, mainly at myself. I should've never allowed this to happen. I should have been stronger, strong enough to stay by your side as a living human, not as a fucking ghost. I don't even know why I'm still here and I keep wondering if it would have been better for me to just die completely and not come back at all. I can see you suffering because of me, and I never wanted that to happen, never expected it to. I was supposed to shield you from harm and pain, not be the cause of it."

Kanda felt so stupid, so dejected, so lost. He hadn't felt this insecure since after Alma, and he hated feeling so helpless and infantile.

He took a deep breath and continued, "I can't do anything right now, and it's driving me insane. I couldn't come to you before, couldn't help you for the first month, when you thought I was dead and not coming back. I had to watch as you destroyed yourself in grief. It was agonizing, knowing I could do nothing to help you."

Allen looked up into Kanda's eyes, pity showing in the soulful gray eyes, "Kanda you're here now, and that's all that matters to me. Yes it would have been nice to know a month ago that I wasn't crazy or as alone as I thought, but that doesn't matter because now you're here."

Kanda shook his head and embraced Allen again. Leave it to the sprout to see everything in the best possible light. The white haired Exorcists always made Kanda feel better, and for that the Japanese man was grateful.

He could feel himself fading, his strength was failing as the darkness pulled him back.

The blue haired Exorcist reached his lips down and kissed the top of the younger teen's head before fading into invisibility again. Watching as Allen's face fell when he disappeared he cursed out loud. Could he do nothing right?

Allen smiled a little, "That's not the kind of language you should be using Kanda. I'm pretty sure you can't even do that…"

Small giggles were heard as Kanda finally faded again.

"Damn Beansprout, making fun of that of all things," Kanda huffed before the darkness claimed him.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

While floating in the darkness Kanda had found that he could replay his memories, like home videos of all of his happiest and saddest moments.

The memory he was replaying now was the first time that he and Allen had gone on a date, just the two of them.

_Kanda had never really tried to be in a normal relationship before, and it didn't seem as though Allen had any experience at it either, so the two had decided to test the waters of their newly found mutual love._

_As such they'd decided to sneak out and spend the evening together on the roof of The Black Order building._

_It wasn't extremely romantic or anything, Allen had brought a blanket to sit on, and Kanda had brought some candles in case the moon didn't shine bright enough to see by. Through the entire date they had just sat on the roof and talked._

_Of course they already knew a lot about each other, being rivals can do that, but on that night they had managed to pour their hearts out to one another. Not really as lovers so much, but as friends._

_Allen had told Kanda of his abandonment, even though he couldn't remember very much about it, his time with Mana, those few short years that had turned him into a usually selfless and caring person, and even Mana's death. The younger teen had also confided in Kanda about his time with Cross, and some of the many dark times spent with his 'Master'._

_Kanda on the other hand had managed to talk about what had been done to him by the Asian Branch, and had even brought himself to talk about Alma, a topic he'd really never broached with anyone before._

_As the night grew longer they got onto a topic that was very personal for both of them._

_Allen was the one that asked the first question that brought on the conversation, "Kanda? I don't really know how to ask this, so I'm just going to say it… Are you a virgin?"_

_Kanda had been a little taken back by the Moyashi's forwardness, but could help but wonder the same thing of the sprout._

"_No, I'm not," he tried to sound as calm and even as he could, but Kanda could feel the faint blush creeping up his cheeks and coloring his face._

"_Then who? You and Alma were too young to be doing that when you were together…" Allen asked really wondering at the answer._

_Kanda felt the blush deepen, ashamed of himself for the answer, "I don't know his name… After I'd finally figured out that I loved Alma, it was already too late to confess my feelings, so I tried to bottle them up. Eventually that stopped working, and just needed an out for all of the frustration I was trying to deal with. At that time I was about sixteen, maybe a little bit younger, and Tiedoll was taking me through Italy, he had wanted to paint a view of the Mediterranean or something. Anyway, long story short, I went into a bar, got drunk, and woke up in some hotel room covered in semen and blood. I don't even remember the guys face."_

"_Oh Kanda," Allen said, trying to pull the stoic Japanese man into a hug._

_The blue haired Exorcist wasn't going to have that and stood up instead, "I haven't done anything like that since that day. My pride was stolen from me by another man, and I could never forgive myself for letting it happen. You must find me disgusting now, a common whore."_

_Kanda had turned away from Allen, opting instead to look up at the stars and try to find some peace in the vast darkness. It took him a few minutes to get himself calmed down enough to turn around and face Allen again, and the older teen was surprised when he was hugged by the smaller body of his companion._

"_It's okay Kanda. It wasn't your fault. You were young and intoxicated, it could have happened to anyone," Allen's words were soothing, and Kanda could feel himself start to relax even more._

_Once he was done calming down Kanda asked the same question of Allen, "Allen, are you a virgin?"_

_At that question Allen started laughing, soft tinkling laughter floating up into the night sky._

"_What did I say?" Kanda was bewildered at Allen's actions, wondering just what he said that was so funny._

_Allen wiped his eyes of the tears that were starting to form, looking at Kanda once again, "You honestly think that I'm still a virgin? I'm flattered really, especially after all the things I've gone through with Cross? I've lost count of the number of loan sharks that used my body as payment for Cross's debts. In all honesty, you're much cleaner than I am."_

_Kanda was a little shocked. He knew that Cross was a drunken womanizer, but did that bastard really stoop so low as to offer Allen's body as a payment? The blue haired Exorcist really couldn't believe it, and that disbelief showed on his face._

_Almost as if he knew what Kanda was thinking Allen continued, "Oh Cross never knew, he was either too drunk or too busy to notice. I did a pretty good job of hiding the bruises and the limp anyway. I don't think anyone ever noticed."_

_The Japanese teen couldn't help but feel for the younger teen standing in front of him. Here he was, talking about his own scars, the tiny cuts that couldn't even be seen, thinking that they were terrible and that no one would ever want to be with him because of them. While Allen had deep gashes torn into him, horrible mangled scars that could never be fixed or covered up properly. Kanda felt both stupid and angry with himself for thinking that he had it worse off than the innocent looking boy in front of him._

_In a strange show of compassion Kanda reached his arms around the younger teen and hugged him, bringing the scarred face to his chest and holding it there for a while. He could feel the boy start to tremble after a few minutes, and after a few more minutes he could feel the wet tear drops soaking into his shirt._

The memory stopped there, but Kanda could still feel the anger burning like lava inside of him. All of those men, who had used his Moyashi for their momentary pleasure, were surly rotting in the pits of hell by now. What angered him the most was that Allen had been but a child at the time, no more than thirteen. All of those bastards had raped and used a child, and had felt nothing for it.

That memory had always sickened Kanda, but it was that moment in time when Kanda had vowed that he would protect Allen, no matter what the cost.

Kanda had thought that maybe by replaying the time he had spent with the Moyashi he would be able to figure out what he needed to do to move on, but that seemed like a hopeless battle now. Every time he would view memories like this last one his blood would boil and he would like nothing less than to find every single one of those sick disgusting bastards and string them up by their precious family jewels.

By replaying the memories Kanda was only reminding himself of the many reasons he needed to stay by Allen's side. To protect and love Allen was his only purpose, until he was forced from the Earth.

Kanda let himself float in the darkness, calming his mind a spirit enough to finally drift into a thoughtless sleep.

The last thing on his mind, was his beautiful Moyashi.

**A/N: So there is chapter eight. I'd like to thank all those that have reviewed and stayed faithful to this story very quickly, those readers being…**

**Nonumaru**

**AllenxEdward**

**Yullen22490**

**I'd like to thank you aloud for reviewing to either every chapter, or every chapter after the first. It is wonderful readers like you, sending me a few words of encouragement no matter how short or awkward the chapter may be, that really make me want to write. I thank you.**

**I know other people have reviewed this story, and I thank you as well, but as a writer I cherish those who take that extra moment to review every chapter. It not only helps me as a writer, planning the story and keeping you readers guessing, but also as a person.**

**I know I went on a bit of a review rant, but I was just trying to convey my gratitude to those who really deserve it.**

**As for the story, I hope you liked the chapter and will be eagerly awaiting the next one. Thank you and please review.**


	9. Chapter 9 In Passing

**A/N: First off, I'm sorry that there was such a delay with this chapter. I'd hoped to keep with my original time-line, but that idea got thrown out the window pretty quickly over the past few weeks. As some of you know, especially in the US (and probably everywhere else), it is the time of finals, projects, and more finals. Every single teacher is trying to fit the rest of their teaching schedules into the remaining few months, and as such I got loaded with all of the homework and projects a girl could ask for.**

**Please don't mind my rant, enjoy the chapter, and please, please, please review.**

**Love you all**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 9 In Passing

~Allen~

"Fuck it all," he heard Kanda say as his ghostly lover faded away.

Allen chuckled, leaving it to Kanda to swear like a sailor even when dead.

"That's not the kind of language you should be using Kanda. Besides I'm pretty sure you can't even do that…" Allen was poking fun at him again, but unlike when Kanda had been alive, there was very little the Japanese man could do in retaliation.

As Allen laughed lightly he felt Kanda's spirit fade, his smile slowly turning sad. He didn't like being left alone like this, but he knew that Kanda needed to leave for a while.

Lying down on his bed Allen slowly drifted off to sleep, his dreams filled with memories and hopes.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

It had been almost three months since the day that Kanda had first revealed himself to Allen, and things had been going pretty well for the two.

Kanda had finally figured out the secret to appearing, and to touching things without using all of his energy. This meant that Allen got to see him more often, and for longer than before. It still wasn't the ideal situation, Kanda was still dead, and Allen was still trying to deal with that fact, but they somehow managed to make it work out.

Over the past three months Allen had been compiling information about ghosts and how to bring back ghosts as humans, but so far he hadn't had any luck.

After sucking Lavi dry of any information Allen had found himself in The Order's library, digging through dusty old books in search of anything that could be helpful to Kanda. So far he'd come up with many ways to get rid of a ghost, but none to revive one. It seemed no one in the past had encountered a person who had wanted to bring their loved one back from being a ghost. Sure there were cases of Akuma creation, more than even Allen would have liked to know about, but it seemed that there were very few cases in which ghosts were created, and even fewer were anyone was around that still cared for the ghost.

Kanda had tried helping him, but Allen had preferred to spend any time they had together in his room, snuggled together on his bed and sharing a kiss or two. There were many more things he would have liked to do with Kanda, but as long as Kanda was still a ghost all of things felt wrong to even think about.

Allen hadn't given up hope yet, but the future seemed very bleak.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

It was after another unfruitful search that Allen found himself lying face down on his bed, warm salty tears coming from his eyes and leaking into the pillow.

Why could he do nothing right when it came to helping Kanda? All he wanted to do was find some way to bring Kanda back into the living world, be able to touch warm living skin again, and not the semi-solid cold air that was his lover's current form. Was it too much to ask to be happy for once, to not have to deal with heartbreak and loss for one day of his pitiful life?

Allen had always wondered why he had been chose by God to live this life. A life that had always been filled with solitude, desperation and pain. He was a faithful servant, right? He hadn't done anything to deserve his deformed arm, or the deaths of all of those he loved, or even the Noah that was inside of him, so why was he being punished like this?

He would ask other people this same question and for some reason everyone gave him some variation of, "I'm sorry for you Allen I really am, but maybe God is testing you, seeing if you're fit to be his tool in this life."

It didn't really help that all of the people he had asked had technically been members of The Order, but it still didn't make sense to him.

The only people who had given him a different answer were Mana and Kanda, both the most important people in his young life. Mana had always said that some were destined for heart break, but also for greatness. Allen's foster father had believed in God, but one that did everything for a purpose, saying simply, "Just keep walking Allen."

Allen had always taken that as a keep going no matter what kind of problems or issues arose, to keep believing in himself no matter what.

Then he met Kanda and that idea changed a little. Instead of walking towards something, he learned to just walk for the sake of walking.

Kanda was like him, but in a way that didn't even make sense. Neither really had a place to go anymore, but they were still walking, still fighting for what they believed in, even when they weren't sure what that was. There had always been something about Kanda, that strange angry passion that burned right behind his eyes that had drawn Allen in. The white haired Exorcist had never fully understood that fire in his lover's eyes, and he had made the choice to never really ask. If Kanda wanted to tell him something, the older teen would do it on his own time.

Almost as if his thoughts could reach his lover, Kanda appeared in the corner of the room, manifesting right next to Mugen.

"Moyashi what's wrong?" Kanda padded over to were Allen was lying face down on the bed.

Allen looked up at his love and tried to smile through his tears, "You're back."

Kanda seemed to be a little annoyed at that answer, "You didn't answer my question Moyashi. Now what's wrong?"

The white haired teen couldn't seem to look Kanda in the eye, so he buried his face back in the pillow, mumbling, "I'm useless."

The older teen sat on the bed, forcing Allen's head up and looking into the grey eyes, "You are not useless. You've been trying your hardest to find a way to bring me back. Just because you haven't found anything yet doesn't mean you're useless."

Allen could feel his tears running down his face, "There is nothing to find! I've searched for months, through every book about any kind of ghost there is, and I haven't found even a hint as to how to bring you back! I'm having so much trouble, knowing you're here, but not here, and I don't know what to do!"

The white haired teen was practically pulling out his hair in frustration, this situation was driving him insane. He could feel arms around his body, cold ghostly arms, not the ones that he, loved warm and inviting.

The younger teen gently pushed the other away, walking towards the door of his room and opening it.

"I just need some time to myself Kanda, I hope you can understand that…"

Without looking back, he closed the door.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen had spent over two hours wandering the halls of The Black Order, wondering what was wrong with him.

He should be happy that his lover wasn't dead. Happy that Kanda could still feel him, touch him, hold him. Though for some reason he couldn't find these feelings, they seemed to have been lost into a void that had been created the day that Kanda had died. Sure he had been happy in those first few days, and he continued to enjoy the fact that Kanda was still around, but he had started having doubts, and with the doubts came closer inspection of his ghostly love.

It seemed stupid when he thought about it, but this ghostly apparition, it wasn't his Kanda. His Kanda was a man that had made rude remarks to everyone, even his own lover. A man that went about like he was invincible, showing off his skill and prowess as an Exorcist. The one who had made Allen feel wanted and safe, even when the world seemed to be against him. A man who would never keep secrets from his lover, would never tell any sort of lie.

That man seemed to have disappeared, sucked into a shell that looked like his love, but was nothing like him. This new Kanda was cold, distant, and secretive. Whenever Allen would ask him about where he went when he disappeared, the Kanda look-alike would frown, and then tell Allen half-truths, or straight up lies. It was funny how Allen could tell, a twitch here, a movement there, things that he'd never see Kanda do before.

That was why Allen was so intent on finding a way of bringing Kanda back, so that this ghostly version of Kanda could become his Kanda once more.

Thinking on that Allen headed in the direction of the library instead of his room.

He would find a way to bring his Kanda back, even if it killed him.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen woke up to Lavi tapping him on the shoulder.

Looking down at the table he had been sleeping on he found that he had fallen asleep in the library. Again.

"Hey Allen buddy, you've got a new mission. Komui wants to see you right away," Lavi looked over the books that Allen had open and smiled sadly at the boy.

The white haired Exorcist had once again been trying to find ways to revive Kanda, to no avail. Closing the books quickly he followed Lavi out of the library and down the halls until they reached Komui's office.

Before Allen could escape to Komui's office Lavi pulled him aside by the elbow.

"Hey Allen are you sure you're okay?" Lavi questioned, concern showing in his one visible eye.

Allen brushed him off rather quickly, showing his trademark smile, "I'm fine, don't worry."

"If you say so Allen, just know that I'm here for you…" Lavi let Allen go and the younger Exorcist quickly scrambled into his superiors office.

After he closed the door he heard Komui's rather chipper voice.

"Oh Allen, it's nice to see you up and running again. I have a new mission for you. This one will be a solo mission, not very hard on account of your loss, but I think you're doing well enough to be sent out on your own again for this one," Komui smiled at the young Exorcist, "The mission will be in France and you will have three days to complete it. It's simple Akuma control, no Innocence involved, just destroying the Akuma that have been attacking small villages. The file on the mission is right here, and if you don't have any questions then you should be leaving within the next hour or two."

Allen looked up at Komui, having only one question for the man, "Do I have to take Mugen with me?"

Komui looked a little surprised by the question, but answered it anyway, "Yes, you do. It was part of the agreement you made in receiving the sword. You will carry it with you on all missions until its new Accommodator can be found. Is there something wrong with Mugen?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with it, I was just wondering," Allen said, shaking his head and picking up the folder from in front of Komui.

"Oh, well, good luck then Allen. Have a safe trip," Komui fidgeted awkwardly as Allen opened the door and took his leave.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Allen made it back to his room and started packing his things, throwing all the clothes and other things he would need in a small suitcase.

Picking up Mugen he looked at the sword, unsheathing it and watching the blade shimmer in the light.

It really was a beautiful sword, and Allen understood why Kanda had been so protective of it, but at the moment all Allen could think of was what the sword was harboring. Kanda's lost and broken soul, not having anywhere to go but into that cold piece of metal, and remaining there until Allen could find some way to save him.

Allen sighed, placing the sword across his back and picking up his suitcase.

He couldn't feel Kanda's presence at the moment, but he knew that the dead Exorcist would be showing up sometime soon.

This was going to be a long mission…

**A/N: So there you have it, the next chapter. Probably not my best, there was a lot of jumping around, but it's better than nothing in my opinion. Hoped that it gave a little more in-sight to some things, and I hope that I didn't confuse you too much. As always, thank you and please review.**


	10. Chapter 10 Memories

**A/N: I'm so sorry. *bows in apology* I never meant for this chapter to take so long in the writing process, but as usual, life got in the way and made me kind of forget about this lovely story. Don't worry I hadn't forgotten about it completely, but I kind of lost my inspiration for a little while there. Thank god all of my harder exams are over after this week, or I think I might die.**

**Anyway, sorry for such a late update and please enjoy the chapter. Don't forget to review if you like it.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 10 Memories

~Kanda~

Three months went slowly for Kanda as he tried his best to come to grips with his powers as a ghost. There really wasn't much he could do beyond appearing and touching things, but mastering either of those skills took a lot of practice and effort.

In those three months Allen had been researching about ghosts, but still hadn't found a way to revive Kanda as of yet. To the ghost the lack of results was disheartening, and he felt himself slip further and further into a depression like state that grew as time went on without some hope of being able to become a living human again. He could feel himself slipping, slowly forgetting who he was and what his purpose was. It was a scary thought, but there didn't seem to be much he could do to stop the shift that was happening within his mind.

He tried to manage the fear that one day he would wake up and not remember who Allen was, but it always managed to sneak up on him. Those kinds of thoughts scared him the most, and it was because of them that he was so intent on finding a way to become human again so that he wouldn't have to worry about his memories of Allen slipping through his mind.

It was during these times that Kanda would try to play back his memories, but as time went on, fewer and fewer of them could be called back for his personal recollection, almost like they were being erased. Every time he'd try to grab for the memories that slipped away, even more would sift through the cracks. It was a never ending cycle of loss, and eventually Kanda had given up on trying to keep the memories that were slipping. Instead he just watched the ones that he still had at his disposal, reveling in the feeling of love and the sorrow of loss that permeated through the memories.

He was currently watching one of his favorite memories, a "training weekend" that they had taken in the Black Forest the previous summer. It had been warm and pleasant, and Kanda had enjoyed every minute of spending alone time with his Moyashi.

_They'd been at their cottage for just over a week when Allen suggested that they go on a walk in the forest, to admire the scenery and what not. Kanda had gone along with it, he was just so glad that his Moyashi was happy that he couldn't care less about trekking through the forests. They'd left the cottage hand in hand, following a small, worn deer trail through the woods. After avoiding roots and branches from the trees they'd happened upon a rather large stream, large and deep enough to swim in._

"_We should go swimming Kanda," Allen raced up to the bank and turned back around, a smile of pure joy on his face as he looked at Kanda._

"_You go Moyashi, I don't like swimming."_

_In all honesty Kanda just didn't want to get his hair wet, it became incredibly uncontrollable when wet and he just didn't want to deal with that right now._

"_But Kanda, please? It's no fun if you don't have someone to swim with," Allen pulled out his kicked puppy look, and Kanda had found that he could never say no to that face._

"_Fine, but I'm putting my hair up so don't try anything," Kanda reluctantly agreed to go swimming, but he wasn't too happy about it._

"_Yay!" Allen jumped up and down a few times before taking off his clothing and jumping into the water._

_Kanda was a little slower, taking his time in removing his clothes and putting his hair up in a kind of sloppy bun. He really didn't like having his hair in anything but a ponytail, but he didn't dare let it get wet. Once he was done he slowly walked over to the bank of the stream, putting a foot into the water before submerging himself._

"_You're such a slow poke Kanda. You take forever," Allen commented while swimming on his back in the water._

"_Che, just be happy I got in you stupid Moyashi," Kanda splashed the other Exorcist with a small amount of water causing the other to sputter._

"_Hey not fair BaKanda," Allen pouted before swimming up to Kanda and embracing him, touching his watery cold chest to Kanda's warm and dry one._

_Kanda wrapped his arms around his lover and kissed the white hair on the crown of his head, "Of course it's not fair, you and I both know that nothing about life is fair."_

_Allen's face dropped a little. It was so like Kanda to be a Debbie Downer all the time, but he knew that the older Exorcist was right. The younger did believe in God, but the only God he'd even seen was one that enjoyed war, and pain, and suffering, nothing like the picture the church had painted for them. The God that all Exorcists knew was cruel and unloving, taking away what was most precious to them, and yet asking them to sacrifice their lives in a war that was endless and never ceasing._

_Kanda didn't say anything for a moment after that, he too was processing all the things that he'd just said. So many times in his life he would find something precious to him, only to have the Order fuck it all up._

_What he'd had with Alma in his first life had been beautiful. He couldn't really remember much of the events that transpired between the two of them, but he did know that he had loved her with all his heart. They'd shared a bond and so much more, and they would have been happy to die together as they were supposed to. Of course the Order had decided to change that plan and had created Kanda and the current Alma, both abominations, freaks of nature, both scared and angry, ticking time bombs ready to explode._

_Alma had exploded, killing so many people before Kanda had managed to put him down, killing his only friend and first love. So certainly the Order had to fuck everything up again, creating a true monster and forcing Kanda to kill his love a second time._

_Kanda had been so close to snapping after the first time, but Tiedoll had managed to help, stabilizing him for a while, making him feel human again. Then there was Allen, who made him feel loved, made him feel wanted, something he'd never really felt in his short lifetime. Sure he'd felt love with Alma in his first life, but that was a different time, a different path. Now all he had was Allen, and he was terrified that the Order was going to take him away too, turn him into a weapon and make the man that Kanda had fallen in love with into a monster, just like Alma._

_It was ironic really how the Order's mission was apparently riding the world of Akuma and keeping people safe and happy in their lives, and yet they allowed the lives of the Exorcists that worked for them to be a complete hell. There had been many times that Kanda had wished that he'd never been brought back, never gone through the torment of the Second Exorcist program, but then he thinks about his current situation._

_What would have happened to Allen if he hadn't been there? Even now the 14__th__ has been threatening Allen's sanity as well as taking over his body. If Kanda had never met Allen, would the Moyashi, such an innocent martyr, have become a Noah by now?_

_It was a hard pill to swallow, but it just drove Kanda on. He would protect Allen, no matter the cost or consequence._

_Allen buried his face in Kanda's chest, and he could tell that the younger teen was crying just because the teardrops were warmer than the water in the stream. He held on to the smaller body just a little tighter, bringing Allen's body into a very warm and very loving embrace._

_After a while of just standing there Allen spoke up, "Why do they do it Kanda? Why does the Order make being an Exorcist a loveless, hopeless profession? I mean, I love doing what I do, saving Akuma souls and setting them free from the Earl, but why must we be nothing but soldiers to them? Why can't Lenalee be a mother if she wanted to? Why can't you and I be fathers, able to live out our lives as we choose until duty calls us away? Why must we be soldiers, doomed to die on the battlefield, always afraid to find love because we don't if we're going to come home when we leave._

"_I know that things have been good with Komui as supervisor, but we're still barely treated like humans, let alone ones that can actually live lives in the real world. We're in a bubble Kanda. One filled with pain, war, dying, destruction, and I can't see a way out but through death. And even then I have a damn Noah inside me, constantly clawing to get out. Do you know how many times that I've thought, 'Maybe if I just let it out this all would end. Maybe if die the world will finally be at peace.' Those thoughts run through my head all the time, and it scares me Kanda, I don't want to die. I want to live, save Akuma souls, have a life, have a family. I want to do so many things, but the Order would never allow it."_

_Kanda froze there and could feel raw emotion wash through him. How many times had he thought the same thing? How many times had he wanted just to live his life, no Innocence, no Exorcists, no Order, no Earl? How many nights had he gone to sleep, Allen tucked into the circle of his arms and thought, "Allen would be a good dad, and given the chance I might be too."? There were so many things he wanted to say, but in the end he just said one._

"_Allen I promise you, as soon as this godforsaken war is over, we will have that. A family, a normal life. I will not let the Order take you away from me, and I will always protect you. I love you Allen."_

_He'd sealed his words with a kiss. Taking Allen's breath away and leaving them both shivering in the cold water._

_Allen's teeth began to chatter and Kanda picked him up and carried him out of the stream._

"_I can walk myself BaKanda."_

"_I know Moyashi, I just like carrying you like a princess."_

Kanda sat bolt upright in the darkness, words from his memory ringing in his ears like bells.

Could he have finally found the reason for his ghostly form? That didn't make sense though. He'd made so many promises to protect the Moyashi, and that's all he seemed to be doing at the moment. Maybe though… No it couldn't be just that. Was it really that simple? Had he completely overlooked the one promise that really mattered to him in the slew of things he'd vowed to do, but would never be able to actually follow through?

"_A family, a normal life."_

The words played through his mind, and as he mulled them over he finally connected it all together. The reason he was still here wasn't because a promise of protection, although that was part of it. It was because he had promised Allen a family, a life that neither one of them had had as children. Protecting Allen from both the world and himself was connected to that goal, because if Allen was gone, then there would be no reason for Kanda to stay. He would drift aimlessly until he eventually fizzled out and faded away.

Keeping Allen alive gave him the chance to find someone new, to have a family with and grow old together. Of course the Japanese teen had wanted that to be himself, but considering the state he was in, he could only hope that maybe, just maybe, Allen would find someone to make him happy, because Kanda had failed.

Kanda had always thought of himself as selfish, but it turned out, that in the end, he actually didn't care about himself, he only cared about Allen, his Moyashi.

He closed his eyes to the darkness and breathed in.

On the exhale he whispered a single sentence, "I will find a way to make you happy Allen, no matter what it takes."

**A/N: So there you have it, a little more background, and also a little more of the Kanda turmoil. I love you readers and thank you for sticking with me through my ridiculously late update.**

**By the way, if you go check out my profile I've currently got a poll up about what kind of thing to write next, and I would really like your input. I already have a shorter fic in the works, but I'm going to need another long project after this lovely fic gets done. So please cast a vote so I can see what all of you would like from me.**


	11. Chapter 11 Missions Gone Wrong

**A/N: I apologize profusely for the lateness of this chapter. The end of school has been stressing me out, and I've been busy with things that are out of my control. I hope that you'll forgive me my transgressions, and will continue to read this story like you always have. I love all of my readers, even though my updates might not show it.**

**So please read, enjoy and review on this chapter.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 11 Missions Gone Wrong

~Allen~

Allen arrived in France without any problems, the train was on time, everyone was friendly, and Kanda hadn't appeared yet.

It wasn't that Allen was afraid of Kanda appearing, he enjoyed seeing his lover's form, to remember the beauty that he'd fallen in love with, but there was something off about ghost Kanda, something that the Japanese Exorcist wasn't telling Allen. The white haired teen could see it in his lover's eyes, that moment when he'd just appeared and couldn't seem to remember where he was or who he was with. Allen often wondered if this is what having an elderly family member with Alzheimer's was like, one day they would remember you, and others they would continually ask who you were. Sadly the younger Exorcist could feel that he and Kanda were heading in that direction, slowly but surely.

That's why Allen didn't want to see Kanda right now, because until the white haired teen could find a way to bring his lover back, he really didn't want to have to look into those haunted and confused eyes.

While thinking about all of this Allen had managed to find his way into the center of town, taking a look around before getting a room at an inn and resting for a while.

The town was small and quant, more of a village than anything else, the only modern structure being the town hall, a solid building made of brick and stone. All the other houses in town were wooden, less sturdy and more practical, considering the town was located nearer to a forest then any kind of stone quarry. As Allen walked around he took stock of the kind of people that lived there, the jolly shoe maker, the strong blacksmith, and even the robust baker. The people seemed kind enough, smiling and waving to one another, and even waving to Allen as he walked by. There was a general air of peace and tranquility in the town, and Allen wondered why Akuma would be in such a small town.

After he had toured around a bit Allen set himself up in an inn near the edge of town. He could have picked any of the two or three inns to stay at, but he felt safer the farther he was from the center of town. Once he'd dropped his luggage off in his room he went to go see about getting something to eat. The train ride hadn't been long enough for him to get any kind of food, so now he was starving. Once he got to the main floor he asked the woman in the small dining area for three helpings of the pork roast they were serving for dinner. There was no way that that amount of food would fill him up, but he had an uneasy feeling in his stomach that told him it might be better to eat a little less tonight.

Once his meals came he tucked in, finishing off all his plates in less than fifteen minutes. After his stomach was more or less sated he went back up to his room, determined to catch a few hours of sleep before he went for Akuma extermination duty.

He managed to fall asleep, staring at Mugen and wondering just what Kanda was doing wherever he went when he disappeared. As his eyes fluttered shut he thought he could almost see Kanda, his Kanda, not the mysterious apparition, manifest around the blade.

The dream that Allen had while napping was terrifying and confusing, and he woke up in a cold sweat.

He'd dreamt that Kanda had come back, no longer dead and completely whole, just as strong and beautiful as when he'd been alive. The terrifying part was that Kanda couldn't see him. Allen couldn't get the older Exorcists attention, and it was almost as if he wasn't there. The younger Exorcist was forced to watch as Kanda lived out his life as though he was never a part of it. There were no Dining Hall brawls, no sparring matches, no bickering fights, nothing. Kanda was completely stoic, meditating and training for most of the day and going about the routine that Allen had completely destroyed with his presence.

It was eerie, watching as Kanda interacted with people, using the same rough, callous manners that Allen had long ago managed to refine, making the Japanese man at least bearable to others. It was odd to see Kanda tune out his surroundings so completely when he meditated. He'd never been able to get so deep into meditation that it took physical contact to break him out of his trance-like state when Allen had been there.

The Kanda that Allen knew was much different from his dream Kanda, because the real Kanda had changed so completely from what he once was as soon as Allen had come along.

Was this what Kanda would've been like forever if Allen hadn't appeared in his life? Would the Japanese man have stuck to his routines and rhythms so completely? Was he really this removed from the world?

After Allen had calmed himself down he took a long look at Mugen, wondering what Kanda was really like before he had met him. He'd heard stories of course, but those weren't the best things to go on, especially when most of the people you ask don't particularly like the person you're asking about. From what he could put together, Kanda had been an incredibly angry person, but also very reserved and secretive. Sure he was still like that, but most of the mystery had been stripped away and Kanda had been left more or less exposed to Allen.

Getting out of bed he quickly changed clothes, strapping Mugen on his back once again before heading out the door. He figured that if he couldn't sleep so at least he could go about searching for Akuma.

Once he got out of the inn he made his way down the center street. It was pretty much deserted, and as the church bells stuck out two in the morning Allen could understand why. There were a few drunks staggering home after a lively night at the local tavern, but other than that the town seemed to be void of any kind of life.

An eerie feeling washed over Allen as he walked down countless streets, losing his way in the gloom. Soon enough he found himself at the very edge of town, and it almost seemed as though something was calling him to go into the dark forest. He fought off the feeling, but just as he was about to turn around his eye activated and he sprang into action.

There were three Akuma, Level Twos by the look of them, which meant that Allen's job was going to be over before it started.

He activated his Innocence and leapt after the first one, slashing it open with ease. The second one was stupid enough to try and attack, so of course he was finished in a matter of seconds as well. The third Akuma was smarter, it tried to flee and as Allen chased it down he was unconsciously draw deeper into the woods.

Once he finally caught up to the Akuma he cut it open, setting the tortured soul free from its imprisonment. It was only after his task was accomplished that he realized that he was very far from the village. He'd managed to chase the Akuma for at least a mile, maybe more, and was now hopelessly lost in the woods.

Looking around he noticed a small cabin nestled into the trees. Without too much thought he walked over to it, opened the door, and went inside.

The cabin seemed to be a hunting post of some sort, and looked well used. There was a small stove in the corner, enough to provide the room with heat, a bed with a worn looking quilt, and a small table and chair set pushed into a corner. It looked cozy enough, and Allen needed a place to stay until day break, so he sat down on the bed, taking Mugen off of his back and resting it against the wall. He lay down on the soft bed and stared at the ceiling for a while, wondering what he'd managed to get himself into.

Before he knew it, he'd dozed off again, just missing the shadow of a moving body that passed across the window sill.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

When he woke up it was light out, the sun streaming through the window showing that the day had just begun.

Sitting up in the bed Allen stretched his arms out, amazed at the restful sleep he'd gotten. There had been no nightmares, no visits from his ghostly lover. Just darkness and rejuvenating sleep. It had to have been the best night's sleep he'd had since Kanda had died, which was strange, but he was happy for it.

Walking over to the door he tried the handle, figuring that he should probably go back to the inn so he could call Komui to give him the report, but the door wouldn't open.

He tried it again, this time putting some more muscle into it, but again the door didn't move from its frame.

Allen activated his Innocence arm, trying to pry the door open with his giant claw, but even that didn't work.

He sat back down on the bed and noticed that a few things were missing from what he remembered the night before. There was no longer a table and chair set in the corner of the room, nor was there the small stove in the opposite corner. The windows too looked to be a hair off.

With every new thing he was noticing he was getting more and more uneasy.

Where the hell was he?

His question was answered when all of the walls simultaneously fell, revealing a placed he'd been in once or twice before.

Road's dream world…

He sprang off the bed in a rush, still wondering what the hell was going on. As he scanned the area he saw Road off to the side, sitting in a rocking chair and looking like a punished child.

Cautiously Allen walked over to her. He wanted answers, and he wanted them now.

Once he was within speaking range he started firing off his questions, "Why am I here? What do you want with me Road? You know if you keep me here too long the Order will come looking for me…"

Road just sat on the chair, looking off to the side. It almost seemed as if she was trying to ignore Allen.

"Are you listening to me Road? What the hell am I doing here? What do you want?" Allen asked again.

This time Road looked at Allen, the pout still on her face.

"I'm not the one that wanted you here. Tyki just asked me to get you here so he wouldn't have to deal with you putting up a fight like you always do. According to him I'm not allowed to play with you, which I don't find fair at all, but he made some kind of deal with Lord Millennium just to get at you…"

Now Allen was really confused. Why would Tyki want him here? Sure Road controlled her dream world, and could force him to do things if she wanted, but why did Tyki want him?

None of it really made sense to Allen, so he just sat on the floor, pulling Mugen from its sheath and running his hands across the blade.

He was sure that if Kanda was here the older teen would go berserk, demanding answers from Road and trying to find a way out of her world. Allen on the other hand just waited. He knew that only Road could control who got in and out of her world, and he was pretty sure that he was at least relatively safe in Road's company for the moment.

As he watched the dark light reflect off the blade of Mugen he heard footsteps behind him. Rather than get up to try and fight he just sat there, already knowing who it was but still wondering why he was there.

He felt himself get hugged from behind while a sultry voice whispered in his ear, "Welcome Allen."

He could hear the smile in Tyki's voice, the Noah's breath tickling the back of his neck. Allen turned around to face him, to try and tell him to back off, but their bodies were so close together, faces mere inches apart.

He tried to pull away, but before he could, Tyki kissed him.

**A/N: So there you have it. Another lovely cliffhanger ending. Please review and tell me what you thought. Also I have a running poll right now to see what to write next, and it is different from the first one. I've managed to narrow down specific ideas so please look it up and vote. :)**


	12. Chapter12 Answers, Secrets, and Promises

**A/N: So I know this chapter is really late, and I apologize so much for that. I have a million and one excuses as to why, but I know you'd rather read the chapter then listen to me ramble.**

**So please read, review and enjoy.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 12 Answers, Secrets, and Promises

~Kanda ~

He could just tell. Allen didn't want to see him, and although the reason wasn't completely clear, Kanda knew that appearing now would only make things worse.

He'd woken up when Allen had just gotten to the inn. The sprout had checked in and dropped his bags off in the room already, leaving to go downstairs while Kanda puzzled about whether or not to show himself.

Then Allen had come back to the room, and Kanda had realized that he didn't want to appear right now because he was afraid. Afraid of the questions Allen might ask, because he either didn't know the answer, or was afraid to tell Allen the truth. The Japanese teen had noticed that the longer he remained a ghost the more questions Allen would ask, and he didn't think that the Moyashi would like the answers. He didn't want to outline where he went when he fell into the darkness, that dark depressing hole that took his strength away and made him slowly lose his sanity.

Kanda knew that he was fading, faster than he initially anticipated, but fading none-the-less. Every day he could remember less, and it was taking its toll on his mind. Every time he'd wake up now he had to take a minute to remember why he was there, what he was doing, and who he was around. He tried to hide it, the forgetfulness, the pain, the fear, but Allen was much too smart for that. The beansprout had always been able to see right through him, even if he was lying.

Lately though, Allen had been asking fewer questions, his digging down to a minimum, his face drawn out and tired. It was almost as if he'd started to give up, started to realize that maybe this whole plan was hopeless.

Kanda could feel it. Every day was harder, and there were so many times that he just wanted to give up, let the darkness claim him so he could finally go to hell, or wherever his kind went. Maybe he'd find Alma again, or maybe he'd actually get to go to heaven and see all of the comrades that had died. Daisya, General Yeegar, the countless number of Finders that had died on his watch. Maybe he could finally find peace, finally be happy.

But then he'd think of Allen and realize that he had found happiness, he had found peace. All of that and more had been wrapped up in the feelings he had for the little annoyance named Allen that had stolen his heart.

He couldn't just give up, at least not until he'd found a way to make Allen truly happy. It was going to take his time and strength to help Allen, but it seemed that both of those were failing. He was getting weaker by the day, and he knew that if he didn't find a way out of his ghostly form he would fade into nothing and remain only as a figment of himself.

So he floated, next to the sleeping form of his love while the younger tossed and turned in his sleep. Wishing there was some way to make it all better, some way to make things right again. Wondering just what would happen if he appeared, and trying to find some way to explain his actions and lies to the one person who mattered the most.

Just then Allen awoke with a start, his body drenched in sweat and his entire form shaking uncontrollably. Oh how Kanda wanted to appear, just to hold his Moyashi and comfort him. For some reason though he didn't, somehow knowing that the dream was connected with him and that perhaps now wouldn't be the best time to show up.

So he continued watching from afar, thinking of all the things he would have done to comfort his love if he wasn't a ghost as Allen changed his clothes and took Mugen out into the night.

Kanda followed, pulled along by the tether that bound him to Mugen, and watched as Allen scouted the town. It was so early that the only people on the streets were the drunks, staggering home. Kanda continued to watch as Allen walked up and down the streets, not really paying attention to where he was going as usual.

It looked like the Moyashi was going to turn around and go back to the inn, but then his eye activated, and Kanda was left searching the area for Akuma. Sure he was dead, but that didn't seem to dull his fighting reflexes. He still scouted out areas that Allen pulled him through. He still looked for all the exits in a room when Allen sat down for food or rest.

Even as his memories began to fade, his instincts were still sharp as tacks, and Kanda couldn't figure out why that was. Was his will to fight more important to him then Allen? Was it just a side effect of dying? Was he searching for something or someone everywhere they went?

Then he remembered, Tyki.

It seemed as though most of his memories of the man had faded, just like all the others, but one was still vividly clear, the memory of how he died.

That must be what he was searching for, what he wanted to do in his ghostly form.

To kill Tyki, along with the Earl and the rest of the Noah, would allow for Allen to have a normal life. One that wasn't filled with death and destruction. A peaceful life where the Moyashi could have a family. Kids, grandkids, even great grandkids. Finally able to have the life he and Kanda had dreamed of together.

So that was his first task. The Japanese Exorcist needed to kill Tyki first, and based on the man's last words to him, they would be seeing each other again very soon. Tyki wouldn't leave his prize very much longer.

Allen had found the Akuma after a moment and got ready for a fight. Kanda watched as the white haired Exorcist killed off the first of the two Akuma, only to see the other run off into the woods. Of course the little idiot went after the monster, despite his lack of directional sense. There was no way that Allen would be able to find his way back to the village when he finally managed to catch up to and kill the Akuma.

The older Exorcist was fully prepared for this possibility, so he took stock of all of the landmarks and other things in the forest that would help him and the Moyashi to get back to the village. He would have to reveal himself in order to guide the younger Exorcist, a prospect that was both thrilling and terrifying. He loved sharing time with his Moyashi, but as always now days he was worried about Allen's reaction to his ghostly form. Oh well, time would tell the course that the night would take.

The ghost allowed himself to be pulled along through the forest, getting dragged deeper and deeper into the trees. When he finally came to a stop he saw Allen taking care of the final Akuma, destroying the creature and looking around himself.

Kanda was just about to reveal himself when he saw Allen's eyes light on a log cabin in the woods. The blue haired teen was both relived and annoyed at the same time. Now he could continue with his silent protecting, but had no reason to reveal himself.

He followed Allen into the cabin, phasing through the wall and watching as Allen fell onto the bed and quickly returned to the world of sleep. Kanda figured that taking a nap of his own wouldn't hurt that much so he leaned up against the wall of the cabin and closed his eyes, letting himself get pulled into the blackness, but only barely.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

Kanda woke up to Allen hurling questions at Road.

It took a moment for him to realize what was going on, but once he saw the floating candles and Road sitting in her chair he put everything together. It took him even less time to realize that he couldn't appear to Allen, something was preventing him from materializing.

He figured it was probably Road, she did have control over this world, but he couldn't figure out why she would keep him in his ghost form. Either way he was going to have to wait and see what happened.

Listening to Road talking to Allen started to make Kanda's blood boil. It was terrible to hear some of the workings of Tyki's plan, and it was even worse to know that the only reason Tyki had killed Kanda was to get to Allen.

He was even angrier now that he knew that Tyki only wanted Allen to himself. It was even more important to kill the bastard Noah now more than ever.

So when the jackass showed up in Road's world Kanda just wanted to rip his head off. Tyki came sauntering in and even had the nerve to kiss the Moyashi.

Kanda was ready to kill, but he was restrained by invisible ropes, and as he looked around he saw Road looking right at him.

"What the hell?" Kanda screamed at the Noah girl, straining against the restraints.

"I needed to talk to you, but I didn't want Allen or Tyki to notice. Plus I can't have you trying to kill my uncle in my own dream world," Road sounded bored, but the twinkle in her eye showed that she had something up her sleeve.

"What do you want god damn it?" the Japanese Exorcist was on his last nerves already. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Allen try to fight against Tyki, but when the larger man pinned him down to the floor there really wasn't much he could do.

"I want to tell you how to come back to the world of the living, without involving the Earl," Road now had a malicious grin on her face while she watched the disbelief pass through Kanda.

Was she really willing to give him the answer he and Allen had been searching for? Was it really that simple? Did she have some ulterior motive?

"Why would you do this?" Kanda said, still not understanding.

Road walked around him before speaking again, "I know you may think I'm a heartless Noah, but I am human too. I can tell that Allen is suffering because you're gone, and I can also tell that the 14th is getting closer and closer to breaking through. I like Allen, not as much as you do, or as much as uncle Tyki thinks he does, but I like him as a person. The 14th, I hate. So it's simple. You were the main force that kept Allen sane, and I would like you to keep him that way, something I know you can't do unless you're alive and breathing again. So to do all of that, I'm going to help you."

Kanda was still a little skeptical, but listening to the Noah couldn't make his situation any worse.

"So how the hell do I get back into a normal body?" The Japanese man was almost afraid to ask, but he knew that he had to for Allen's sake.

"It's actually pretty simple really. You just have to jump into the body of someone whose soul has recently left their mortal body. And by recently I mean within minutes. It should be pretty easy for you, because you're a spirit you should be able to see souls leave their bodies when they die. All you have to do is jump into the empty shell basically. I have to warn you though, while your soul might be the same, your memories and feelings may not be yours. Even though the other person's soul is gone, there are still imprints left on their bodies. So you may feel as if you know Allen, but you won't remember ever having met him.

"I wish there was a better way, but this is the only answer I know of without involving Lord Millennium," she turned to look over Kanda's shoulder, "It looks like Tyki is done molesting your lover for the moment, and I have to get you back to where you came from before the Order comes looking for Allen. Remember what I said, and know that Tyki will show up again, this time to claim Allen for good. Try to do what's right for him, he really is cute."

As Road started to walk away Kanda felt the restraints that had been placed on him start to dissipate, "I will not let anything happen to Allen, so long as I'm still here on this Earth."

Road turned to the Japanese Exorcist, "I don't doubt that, just watch out for Tyki, he's nothing if not persistent."

All Kanda had to do was blink and he was back in the cabin that Allen had found the night before. Looking around he saw his Moyashi sleeping soundly on the bed, a troubled look gracing his face.

The older Exorcist floated over to Allen's side and gently moved a lock of snowy white hair out of the younger teens face. Just that simple gesture and Allen's face started to relax, changing from troubled to a small sleepy smile.

"I will do whatever it takes to protect you Moyashi. No matter what the cost."

**A/N: So there you have it, the next chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to get the next one out in a more timely fashion. On another note, I still have a poll up on my profile page about possible story ideas for my next project. If you haven't already voted, please take the few extra seconds to vote and tell me what direction you would like me to head with my next story. I am planning on finishing this one in the next six chapters or so, and I would really like my readers input when it comes to my next one. Thank you to the two people who did vote the first time around :). Thank you for reading and please review.**


	13. Chapter 13 A Question of Trust

**A/N: So sorry for the wait on this one. I guess I just lost my inspiration for a little while there. I hope that you like some more turmoil, because it's got to get worse before it can get better.**

**Anyway, please read, review and enjoy.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 13 A Question of Trust

~Allen~

Tyki took his sweet time playing with Allen's mind and body and even though Allen tried to fight back he still didn't have enough strength to fight off the Noah of Pleasure. It wasn't as if he could have managed it to begin with, especially considering Tyki could molest him without even taking his clothing off. So as Tyki touched him in all of his personal areas he could do nothing but protest and try to push the other man off of him.

Thoughts were racing through his mind as he tried to figure a way out of his situation. Things like where the hell was Kanda, shouldn't he have shown up by now to be his usual, overprotective self and throw Tyki off of him? Or what had happened to the person that Allen thought he could always count on?

It was only then that he saw Road talking to thin air and he managed to put two and two together. Kanda was being held by Road, that much was clear. The real question was what they were talking about, because it had to be something that Road thought was important.

At this point Allen had managed to go numb, not feeling anything that his body was experiencing and ignoring Tyki and the Noah's disgusting advances.

Eventually Road came over and stood above the pair on the floor, "Tyki, your fun's over for right now. I need to get back to my school work and you need to get back to Lord Millennium so say goodbye to dear Allen. I hope you weren't too rough with him."

Tyki growled in protest but reluctantly let Allen go, giving the Exorcist a passionate kiss before standing up and walking with Road. All the while Allen watched, feeling dirty and used for the first time since Kanda had found him.

OoOoOoOo-oOoOoOoO

As Allen woke up from his dream/nightmare he looked around to find himself in the same cabin he had fallen asleep in the night before, this time with all of the extra little things he remembered. He knew that Kanda was in the room, the shadows moved more than they should have and there was a cold breeze across his skin.

"Kanda I need to talk to you," Allen tried to keep his voice calm, trying not to betray the fact that he was afraid that Kanda wouldn't remember him the way the he should.

When the white haired Exorcist saw Kanda materialize in the corner of the room his heart leapt, but that was only until he saw the confused and blank look in his lover's eyes. It took a second, but Allen saw it all as the blank look was replaced with the loving and concerned look that had always been there before.

"What do you need?" Kanda's tone sounded tired, and he looked as though he was trying his hardest to avoid eye contact.

"Kanda look at me," Allen requested, his tone gentle as he stood up from the bed he'd been sleeping on.

The younger Exorcist reached up to touch Kanda's face, but when the other pulled away Allen felt both shocked and hurt.

What had he done to deserve this kind of treatment? What was wrong with his lover? There was something serious going on here, and Allen wasn't sure what it was.

"Kanda look at me," he said it with more force this time, and when Kanda complied he continued, "What did Road tell you? Why are you acting like this? You need to tell me everything right now so I can help you the way partners are supposed to help each other. I'm strong enough to handle it I promise."

When Kanda remained silent Allen felt anger rise up within him. It was all he could do not to punch the dead bastard right then and there, but instead of punching him Allen felt himself crying, teardrops dripping off of his chin.

"Why don't you trust me? I've burdened you with so many of my problems, told you everything, and yet you don't tell me anything. Am I not your partner Yu? Am I not the one person that you shared everything with? When did that change? When did I become fragile and unable to handle your problems too? You told me about Alma, about your past, about what the Order did to you, and I was strong. I let you cry, and I didn't judge you. I was your rock when you needed one, and I still am. You dying didn't change any of that. I'm still here for you Yu, and I will be here for you until you do fade away from this world. You mean everything to me Yu Kanda, and I'm not going to let your pigheaded stubbornness change that."

Allen was near tears by now, and he couldn't help but feel weak and vulnerable.

He needed Kanda to start talking or else he might go insane.

"I can't tell you Allen. As soon as I say something it becomes real, to both of us, not just to me. I can't burden you with that. . . I can tell you that Road gave me a way to come back."

The white haired Exorcist looked up at Kanda with a little hint of hope in his eyes, "But what about the Earl?"

"This way wouldn't involve the Earl. All I have to do is jump into a body that just died and had its spirit leave."

Allen looked skeptical, "Isn't that a little unethical, I mean what happens to the person they were before?"

"Well some of them still remains, and I'd have to work that out on my own, but at the soul level I would still be me. I would have a body and I would still be me. I won't have to worry about trying to remember what you look like, or just remembering that you're my partner and lover. I could go a day without watching my memories of you slip away while I drift in an endless sea of black. I need this Moyashi, more than you even realize."

The British teen noticed that Kanda had had a few major slip ups, but he tried not to bring attention to them, he didn't want to destroy his lover's pride. Although, Kanda's slip ups did give Allen an idea of the torment and pain that his lover was going through.

He didn't think he could live a life, even as a ghost, if he was constantly worried about losing the memories and people he holds dear. If the day ever came where Kanda couldn't remember him, Allen would probably die on the inside.

It was a terrible fate to be subjected to, and now Allen could at least minimally understand why Kanda had been so adamant about not revealing his secrets. The sad thing was it wasn't anything that Allen couldn't handle. He knew that what Kanda was going through was tough, but if the older teen had just said something, Allen wouldn't have to worry as much when the recognition didn't light in his lover's eyes, or when Kanda didn't seem to know where he was.

Allen understood that what Kanda was going through is something that he would probably never experience, but that didn't mean he couldn't be strong for the both of them. Ever since the day that Kanda had come back to him Allen had always wondered where their relationship as ghost and human would lead. It seemed as though he finally had his answer, and the lack of trust within this new relationship was not something that he had ever expected.

"BaKanda, slow down. I understand what this means to you, but please promise me you'll think before doing something so drastic. I love you, so much, but if I have to lose you because you jump into a new body I don't know how I could manage that. You are my world, you have been since the day we decided to try this and be up front with each other. I think that if I lose you I might lose myself too," Allen was trying to be up front with this, trying not to hide behind the veil of secrecy that seemed to cling to them now that Kanda wasn't alive.

The white haired teen could see the walls start to come down as he looked into Kanda's eyes, and for that he was grateful. For a moment it almost seemed that Kanda was actually going to tell him everything he wanted to know, to finally reveal just how much hurt he was in, but then the wall went back up. It was such a hasty transition that Allen was surprised he even saw the change in Kanda's eyes.

It seemed as though Kanda wasn't ready to reveal his secrets just yet, and although that made Allen incredibly sad, he would have to wait until the time that his lover felt like he could finally speak up.

Looking into Kanda's eyes that white haired Exorcist could see a new resolve there, something that wasn't uncommon for one such as Kanda. However this resolve seemed more resolute, more final, and that kind of finality scared Allen to his core.

"I'm sorry Moyashi, I can't really promise that. If the chance comes, I'm going to take it. I feel like the longer I stay like this, the more I lose, and the one thing that I don't want to lose is you."

Allen could feel angry tears prick at the corners of his eyes, but he tried to hold them off and keep his voice steady, "If that's really what you want Kanda then go ahead and do it. If my love for you means that little then go ahead and lose yourself to some body that isn't yours, but I'm warning you now, if you go through with this I might just break again."

It was at that moment when the tears finally broke, and Allen felt himself storm away from his ghostly love, running out and through the forest until he was crying so hard that he couldn't continue. He knew that Kanda would have to follow him, Allen still had Mugen with him, but he only hoped that Kanda would leave him alone for the time being.

In some way Allen knew that Kanda was trying to do this for the both of them, but his mind seemed blind to that reality right now. All the white haired Exorcist was feeling was betrayed and hurt. Was it too much to ask to be honest with each other? Hadn't they promised one another that secrets would never rip them apart?

There were so many things that they had managed to share over the years, some many secrets that had been spilled, so many life changing moments that it had never really occurred to Allen that this might happen.

Who is to say that Kanda wasn't hiding things before this? How many times had Kanda kept the truth from him because the older teen didn't think that Allen could handle it? How could Allen trust anything Kanda ever said, knowing that he would lie now, at the most fragile point in their relationship?

All of these thoughts just kept piling up and Allen just kept crying harder. He had never liked crying, it gave him a headache and caused his body to ache, and yet he did it so often. He cried for the souls of the Akuma he saved, and for those he could not. He cried over Mana's death, all too often when the nightmares would come back to plague him and he had no other way of getting rid of his despair. There were so many things that he cried about, and now this was just one addition to the long list.

Allen felt a hand on his shoulder, cold and very light, but he shrugged it off in favor of crying some more.

"Moyashi, you need to get up and get back to the village, it's almost night," Kanda's low timbre did nothing to sooth him, and it took all the younger teen's strength to not break into another round of tears.

As Allen stood up and faced his ghostly love he only had one question on his mind. There was one thing he needed to know in order for this to be okay, in order for him to keep walking. One question that had only recently plagued his mind, but that question had managed to burrow deeply into his thoughts.

He looked up into the beautiful face of ghost standing next to him, and asked the question he needed the answer to.

"Kanda. . . Did you ever really love me?"

**A/N: Gosh this took a while. Anyway, very heavy on the confusion and the feels, but then again that's how I like to write these two. In other news, my poll is still up on my profile to see what all of you lovely readers would like to see from me next. Some far only four have voted, but I know that I have a little wider reader base then that so get voting. If you don't you'll have no say in what story I work on next.**

**As always, thank you for reading and please review.**


	14. Chapter 14 Burdens to Bear

**A/N: Howdy. So I guess I got this chapter up a little bit fast then my last two, and goodness it is angsty. I guess I'm just feeling the feels right now lol.**

**Well with that said please read, review, and enjoy.**

**silverdragon**

Chapter 14 Burdens to Bear

~Kanda~

As soon as Allen called for him he knew that something was wrong. Whether it was something he did or not didn't matter, all he knew is that now he had to face the Moyashi, and his current worst fear.

What if the sprout saw? What if Allen finally noticed the lack of recognition within those first few seconds of Kanda appearing? What if Kanda slipped up and let something loose that he shouldn't be saying to the one person he wanted to keep safe?

There were so many things that could go wrong if he did appear in front of Allen, but if he didn't Allen would know for sure that something was off. So Kanda materialized, trying as hard as he possibly could to restrain the confusion and fear that was no doubt welling up in his eyes. He managed to respond to Allen, just in time for the confusion to hit and for him to be left with no idea of anything.

Where was he again? And who was he with? And why did that scent smell so familiar? And what was he here for?

All these questions started to well up in Kanda's mind, and for some reason he couldn't find an answer to any of them. He knew that the answer to all of them were just at the edge of his mind, but for some reason every time he would try to grasp at them they would slip away.

When Allen tried to touch him he pulled away, afraid that the sprout would force him to look into eyes he didn't recognize and a face he couldn't remember.

He tried to push down the panic that was starting to build in his mind, hoping that maybe if he was calm all the answers would come rushing to the surface once more.

He was right, and just in time too. So when Allen called him a second time Kanda obeyed, looking down at the Moyashi and hoping to whatever god there was that the sprout didn't see the change from confusion to understanding.

Then Allen was asking him all these questions, rifling them off like an interrogator, and Kanda had to take a moment to collect himself, to start thinking straight so that he wouldn't slip up, wouldn't let Allen onto the horrible truth of his ghostly form.

He couldn't put that on Allen, the Moyashi had already been through so much, and adding on to his burdens didn't seem right.

This was Kanda's burden to bear, he was the one with unfinished business and he would be the one to fix things in the end. He didn't need to involve Allen so he wouldn't, and that was all he really needed to think on the matter.

Kanda was about to answer, but before he could manage it Allen started asking more questions, demanding more answers, and it was all Kanda could do to keep himself from plugging his ears to get rid of the constant stream. It wasn't as if he didn't have an answer to the questions, far from it he actually had an idea of how to answer all of them, but there were just too many, and they were coming at him too quickly for him to take in.

Once Allen was done Kanda noticed that tears that were streaming down his sprouts face. Had he put them there with his stubbornness? Was Allen really that worried for him?

"I can't tell you Allen. As soon as I say something it becomes real, to both of us, not just to me. I can't burden you with that. . . I can tell you that Road gave me a way to come back," the words were out of his mouth as quickly as he could think them. Kanda needed to reassure Allen that things were okay and that the Moyashi didn't need to get into the devastation that Kanda's life had become.

After Allen asked about Road's method, and Kanda explained it the Japanese man couldn't help but hope that the sprout would go along with it willingly, but of course that was not the case. He should have known that Allen would fight him on this, it was just in the Moyashi's nature to be difficult.

Even when he tried to argue his point Allen fought him, bringing up things that he didn't want to think about. Like what would happen when he took a new body, or what it would take for Kanda to accomplish something like that. Even after he poured out his heart, spilling secrets he had never intended to voice the sprout still tried to hold him back.

"BaKanda, slow down. I understand what this means to you, but please promise me you'll think before doing something so drastic. I love you, so much, but if I have to lose you because you jump into a new body I don't know how I could manage that. You are my world, you have been since the day we decided to try this and be up front with each other. I think that if I lose you I might lose myself too," The look in Allen's eyes nearly broke Kanda's heart, but he couldn't let that change the fact that he needed a new body, so that he could feel his love for Allen even stronger, and remember more of the time they had shared together.

Kanda almost considered telling Allen everything, for one split second his mind thought, _'Well it's not like it can get any worse if I just tell him.' _Then his more irrational side kicked in and he scrapped that idea all together. This was his mess, he was the one that died, and he would be the one to bear the consequences of returning into life.

He needed to harden his resolve on this one point, to make sure that Allen knew that he would do this no matter the cost. Couldn't Allen see that he was doing this for them? If he had the choice he would have never died in the first place, but somewhere along the way he screwed up, and now he had to fix the mess he'd made.

"I'm sorry Moyashi, I can't really promise that. If the chance comes, I'm going to take it. I feel like the longer I stay like this, the more I lose, and the one thing that I don't want to lose is you," Kanda said the words with as much meaning as he could, trying to convey the fact that he was doing this for the spout more than anything. To be able to love the sprout properly again, that's all he ever wanted.

Allen's next words stung, and it seemed to Kanda that he hadn't gotten through at all, "If that's really what you want Kanda then go ahead and do it. If my love for you means that little then go ahead and lose yourself to some body that isn't yours, but I'm warning you now, if you go through with this I might just break again."

When Allen ran away from him Kanda wasn't really that surprised. It only seemed natural after all the emotions that had welled up in the white haired teen. He would have liked to stay put, let Allen mull over his feelings and fears by himself, but there was his damn sword, pulling him along the way it always did, back to the source of his emotional pain, back to Allen.

As he was being pulled Kanda couldn't help but wonder just what the Moyashi was thinking. The Japanese man had always been able to read Allen's thoughts to an extent, and the signs that the sprout was giving off were not good.

From what he could tell by the brief glimpses of Allen's back through the trees Allen was frustrated and worried, but most of all he was scared and confused. Those kinds of emotions never led to anything good where the sprout was concerned, and as Kanda pulled himself in closer to the now sobbing teen he couldn't help but worry about the 14th.

What if the Noah tried to take control of the younger teen when he was such an emotional wreck? There were too many things that could come of that, and none of them were good.

He let Allen cry for a while, all the time watching for the 14th to appear, but thankfully the Noah staid quiet all through Allen's emotional outburst.

When the sun started setting in the forest Kanda had to reveal himself. He couldn't have Allen sleeping in the forest and risk all sorts of things could he?

But as soon as he told Allen that they needed to head back to the village the sprout turned around, and Kanda didn't like the look on his lovers face.

"Kanda. . . Did you ever really love me?"

Those words, they stung like an icicle through his heart, giving him the kind of sorrow that he could only vaguely remember from his past life.

How could Allen even ask that kind of question? What had brought this on? Why was the Moyashi bringing this kind of thing up at such a fragile time? None of it made sense to Kanda, but it left him thinking.

He wracked his brain to come up with some answer to the simple question. It wasn't that he didn't know the answer, he just needed a way to try and convey all of his feelings to Allen in a way that the sprout would never doubt him again.

He thought about talking about their lives together. All the blunders, awkward moments, amazing memories, and the happy times that they'd had together, but when he'd try to recall the memories they would slip out of his grasp, and he was left wondering if they had ever really been there at all.

It was so confusing and scary that Kanda broke down in tears, something he hated doing when he was alive. Looking at his hands he tried to dredge up at least one memory of the man that he loved, but his mind kept going completely blank. It was horrifying to think that all of his memories were gone, and as he wept all he wanted was for Allen to come over and say that everything would be okay in his voice filled with false happiness.

When Kanda finally looked up he was met with a face full of shock and disgust, there were even more tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He could honestly say that he died just a little more seeing the way that Allen was looking at him.

"Well?" Allen asked, not seeming to care that Kanda was crying on the cold forest floor.

"I don't remember. . ." Kanda whispered the words, hoping that Allen wouldn't hear, but knowing that he did by the little gasp that came from in front of him.

"What the hell do you mean Kanda?" Allen wasn't screaming but his voice was laced with a pain that Kanda hated as tears fell down the younger teen's face in massive streams.

"This is what I didn't want to tell you, why I've been so quiet. I'm losing my memories Allen, every single one. I can't remember the first time we met, or our first date, or our first kiss. I can't even remember who you are half of the time. I know somewhere beyond the memories that I love you, and that I would do anything for you, but I'm starting to forget who I am.

"I thought this was my burden to shoulder, and that by not telling you it wouldn't make it real, and I wouldn't have to face it. But I'm losing my grip on myself and on you. I can tell you that I love you, but I don't remember how it happened, how we got together. I don't remember any missions with you, any time I spent with you. You're fading to me, just like I'm fading to you.

". . . I'm scared Allen, so very scared that sometimes I don't want to face you for fear that I won't remember who you are to me at all. I don't know how to deal with this, the lack of memories, the lack of you, and every time I see you I'm reminded of all the things that I've lost inside my head. I do love you, from the bottom of my heart, but I'm not sure how long I'll be able to remember that either."

When Kanda was done he let out a huge sob, letting the pain rip through him as he cried.

'_Allen's going to hate me now, I just know it. I couldn't give him the answer he wanted and now I'm going to be stuck in this form forever without him near me.'_ Kanda thought as he wept.

He didn't want to look up, didn't want to face Allen after all he had said, but he didn't have to because he felt warm arms wrap around his shoulders, and his face was suddenly pressed into a small but warm chest. Sobbing even harder into that living human chest Kanda could tell that it was the Moyashi, Allen's strong scent assaulted his nose and almost made him sneeze.

At that moment he remembered something, it may have seemed so insignificant to someone else, but to Kanda it meant the world. He froze for a moment, focusing on that memory, that scent.

He remembered the smell, and how that scent would make him sneeze as they cuddled down in bed at night, bodies pressed close together after a round of passionate lovemaking. Every time Allen would laugh and Kanda would silence him with a kiss.

Kanda felt Allen pull away, and looking up he saw concerned eyes, "Kanda what's wrong?"

The Japanese man just let a small smile grace his face.

"I just remembered something. For the first time since I gained this form, I gained a memory that I had lost."

**A/N: Wow that was a heart wrencher. (Man I even cried when I proof read this) I probably could have done more with it, but in the end I knew that I couldn't have them separate, they're just too good together. I considered having Kanda say 'no' outright, but then I thought about how much all of you would probably hate on me. I think it turned out better this way anyway.**

**Onto other news, I can actually tell how many people really like me based on how may voted in my poll for my next story, which is a whole 5 people… I would like to thank those who voted once again, (especially you new person you) and humbly ask you lovely readers to participate in the poll on my profile page. There are 4 stories currently on the chopping block, and so far it looks like By Night. By Day. Is winning. So if you would like to see me write one of the other options, you need to vote, and soon because this story has a max of 6 more chapters (and that's a maximum).**

**Good day, and please review.**


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